Purification of The Heart... Pt. 2

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Purification of the Heart

By: AbdulBary Yahya

The heart is the nucleus of the soul and body. Therefore, If it is sound, the soul and body follows. If it is wicked, so it will the soul and body.

The heart of the soul could only enter paradise in its pure state. During the lifetime of the heart, it will be stained by diseases and purified by good action, or by trials from Allah. When a Muslim dies and if the heart is still stained, then it will only be purified by the Al-Mighty’s forgiveness, or Punishment of the grave and hellfire according to his impurities.

By committing sins, a black spot is placed on the heart and persistency degrades the hearts until it covers the whole heart, then there will be no turning back only by his return to Allah and by the Grace of Allah shall it be cleaned, inshaAllah.

3 kinds of hearts:

Healthy Heart: No sickness in it, and it will be saved in the Day of Judgment. It believe in Allah SWT and His Rasoul. Does not worry only what pleases Allah.

Dead Heart: Those who don't believe and reject Allah SWT. It is sealed by Allah SWT by their kufr (rejection of the heart). It is hardened as a rock.

Sick Heart: Following the desires and the doubts. He shows signs of both the flipped heart and the sick: He has iman, but also shows signs of hypocracy. He knows the truth but still, he sees it but he becomes blind.


Diseases of the Heart:

*Riya2-Showing Off*Hasad-Jealousy
*Shaitan-Whispers of the heart: especially during prayer, makes you doubt yourself and your intention

II. The two wings of the believer: Hope and Fear

Mohammed SAW tolled a person that he will be amongst the people who will enter paradise. Another person over heard and made it his goal to spend a night with this person and learn what he does that so shall make him enter the heavens. After night stays, he found that this person prostrates like he does, fasts like he does, does good deeds like he does. “So what do you do that you earned a place in paradise while still in this dunya” the curious man asked.

“Before I go to sleep, I have no animosity against anyone, I forgive everyone.” The promised one answered.

Purify your hearts every single night before you go to sleep.

In the Quran, every mention of fear is followed by an aya of hope. Those two parts are mentioned simultaneously because one should not have one and not have the other. Thus, these two parts are the wings of the believer, and the equality of each is the goal of the believer.

Good deeds alone will not promise you paradise. The Muslim only enters paradise by the mercy of Allah SWT. Having both hope and fear stabilizes the mu2min in that the Hope will make u commit good deeds, and Fear will prevent you from doing bad deeds.


Khawf: fear.
Raja: Hope.

The heart, when it flies to Allah, is like a bird. The head is the love for Allah, and Khawf and hope are the two wings. If the head and the two wings are good, it will fly without any problem
.
The people that will return to their lords easy and comforted only with a soft heart [fast, prays, give sadaqa and are afraid that their deeds are not accepted]. Moreover, Allah SWT accept good deeds only from the Muttaqeen [people that have taqwa]


Side Note: A person who really fears, he will get up and pray at night. Tahajjud is the mark of the believer {Mu2min}.

III. Loving the Prophet SAW
Allah SWT sent Mohammed SAW as a prophet, and the love of the prophet is a obligatory upon us. “None of you will believe until I become more beloved to him than his father or son” Mohammed SAW said.

If one loves anything other than Allah, then he is setting himself for hell fire. Why should be love Mohammed SAW? Because Allah gave us someone in a human state that we look unto, act like and seek knowledge from.

If you want to love someone, you really want to know everything about them. If you want to learn about Mohammed SAW, learn about him and learn his way.
“If you indeed love Allah SWT, than follow me” –Mohammed SAW

3 things makes you taste the Sweetness of the Iman
1. Loves Allah and his Rasoul SAW more than anything else
2. Loves another human being for the Sake of Allah SWT.
3. He dislikes returning to Kufr, just like he dislikes for Allah SWT to throw him in the hellfire.

IV. Actions of the Heart
Repentence {Tawba}
The prophet sAw made istikhfar over 70 or 100 times a day.

Everyone makes mistakes and sins, but those that repent are the best of sinners. Make Istikhfar for your lord than make tawbah to him.

Istikhfar is what you do with your tongue to the Lord
Tawbah includes istikhfar and also includes actions with the body to change.

People delay the Tawbah so much that it might be too late. It is delayed for the purposes of time and Dunya, and because the nature of men in that it always wants more and never satisfied. So if you wait until you reach a certain position to make a Tawbah, you will never be satisfied with the future position and you keep delaying it, again, until death.

Delay is from the Shaitan, for he starts in baby steps, s.a. delaying a prayer, delaying to pay for zakat, etc.

The day of judgement will not come until a fitnah will enter in every house. Some scholars say that this Fitnah is a TV. Most loved place in the sigh of Allah is the Masjid, and the worst is the Market. So you are bringing the worst beloved thing to Allah into our houses.

The sins are not felt anymore, as Mohammed SAW said this is the sign of Day of Judgement. When sins are not felt it is because the heart is all black, and that might be the cause delay of the Tawbah. After you purify your heart, you might feel sins again and make Tawbah once more.

You want to see how much sins you have then compare yourself with the Quran. How much are you reading the Quran? Sins and Quran do not mix. If you are not reading a lot of quran, that means you have a lot of sins. Your memory and knowledge will decrease with sins.

Read the Quran and keep consistency in your prayers and inshaAllah your heart will be cleansed.

5 condition of Tawbah:
1. Leave the sin
2. Regretful
3. Seek forgiveness /pay back the madhloom
4. Repent before death and before the sun rises from the west.

Magnetic change. Polar mag field changes, and it can change anytime.

Some scholars say the first thing that happens is the sun rising from the west.

Quest for Certainty, pt1: "Ghazallian Doubt"

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem



On the quest to attaining certainty (Yaqin) of my beliefs: The belief of One Allah, the messenger, the Angels, the Books, Qadar wa Qada2, and the Day of Judgement.

There are degrees of certainty: in the terminology of the Quran, these are

`ilm al-yaqin (science of certainty),

`ayn al-yaqin (vision of certainty) and

haqq al yaqin (truth of certainty).

Knowledge of Certainty (Ilm el-Yaqin): Knowledge which is completely free from any error or doubt, and with which the heart finds complete satisfaction



Doubt, the very evil within one's heart (soul). I want to disect and analyze the nature, function and spirit of doubt within the faith of islam. I must go back in time and reflect upon the past scholars and their achievement over this disease, such as Imam Al-Ghazali and what was later called "Ghazzalian doubt".



Ghazzalian doubt: consisted of two parts: Taqlid and Sect doubts. Following a ruling blindly is the very essence of non-certainty, although, he believed, some knowledge should be accepted since we are mere less than knowledgable to distinquish faith rulings, True IMAN. Moreover, the 70 or so sects that the Prophet warned us about served as another sense of doubt to Ghazali, since each sect believes that its "madh'hab" or "group" is the ONE that's saved.



"Men are asleep: then after they die they awake"

"In ones act of faith one participates in the truth through both reason and heart, faith already implies a particular level of knowledge and of certainty. Thus, from the beginning of al-Ghazzalis quest for the true knowledge of the Real, a certain element of certitude 'the removal of deformations of the soul such as pride, passional attachment to the world and a host of other reprehensible habits and vicious qualities, all of which stand as obstacles to the realization of that knowledge, in order to attain a heart empty of all save God and adorned with the constant remembrance of Godwas always present."

...Before him now lies the most important decision he has to make in his life.

For about six months he incessantly vacillated between the contending pull of worldly desires and the appeals of the afterlife....The intellectual and spiritual tradition in which al-Ghazali lived and thought made him fully aware of the fact that what veils man from this highest reality is the darkness of his own soul. Therefore in turning to his own inner being, al-Ghazzali was merely following that traditional path which alone could guarantee, by divine grace, the removal of that veil. This is the universal path of all the real seekers of the Truth, of which al-Ghazzali was an outstanding example.

Sailing through the seas...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Sing the song you used to sing to me
With the words that depleted my worry
The song that stole my soul from me
And took it far away in a long journey

Speak the words you used to shout at me
With the tone that used to revive my sanity
The words that made my heart beat uneasy
And snatched it from my chest ever so gently

Believe the dreams you used to dream with me
Defeating everyone’s beliefs and lets make history
Letting go of yesterday’s miseries and become mystery
hand in hand, “sailing through the sea”…

"You And I Both"

-JM

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me

Oh things are gonna happen naturally

Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side

And balancing the whole thing

But often times those words get tangled up in lines

And the bright lights turn to night

Until the dawn it brings

Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved

What you and I spoke of

And others just read of

Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words

Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words

Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words

More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive.

Cause you and I both loved

What you and I spoke of

And others just read of

And if you could see me now,Oh love, no

You and I, you and I

Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...

~~

And with this silence brings a moral story

More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

~~

Cause you and I both loved

What you and I spoke of

And others just read of

And if you could see me now

Well I'm almost finally out of

I'm finally out ofFinally deedeedeedee

Well I'm almost finally, finally

Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have to go away

Oh just remember the telephone works both ways

And if I never ever hear them ring

If nothing else I'll think the bells inside

Have finally found you someone else and that's okay

Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved

what you and I spoke of

and others just read of and if you could see now

well I'm almost finally out of.

I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede

well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words.

Wake me up in a year’s end

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

It is time to close the eyes into the serene dream:
Speak your inner voice and clarify your intentions,
Foster all the aspirations in between your palms,
And call out to the One who will respond…
Firm the heart, the soul, and body to withstand
The test and the trials of the weak heart…
Before long, the eyes will see the dream standing before thee…
So wake me up in a year’s end…

Long and behold, tis 3 AM…A year has passed when it all began
the eyes awoke from the dream and faces the inconceivable reality
It is the night before when our hands will meet
When the veil is uplifted, and faces the eyes that awaited…
When the two doves are released on a journey high into the heavens…

It's a funny story:

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Beat after beat, overstepping the boundaries I once created;
Oh my heart, are you aware to which direction you are being lead?

Forcing the mouth to not speak, but the soul is screaming the sounds
Through words that are beyond my comprehension and without bounds

The hours are passed folded in a corner, body curved and retrieved
Witness the state of my exasperation and the want to be relieved

I feared when I let my shell crumble and let it all in plain sight
And I feared the way I was brought back alive and instilled with might

I feared when I will propose my dreams …and maybe let out a fart!
And I feared to give in and serve my scarred heart!

The shadow came hollow, waiting for me to instill it
Amazing how my dreams and I formed a perfect fit!

Everything became useless…words became meaningless,
Time stopping every hour to give us a break to let out the sighs

It’s a funny story:
Kites, flying randomly with the wind, attached by a pair of strings
Guided by the One above, tangled up in the seventh heaven forming a pair of wings

....3 days!

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

I am storing every tear that flows from the wells of my heart. I was blind to what I am becoming, I was deaf to what I’m hearing, and I was mute to what I’m speaking; It is all new to me but I’m letting go and flying. How do simple words could fire you up inside and melt you like a candle wax, but the candle keeps burning luminous light when the sun exhausts and falls behind the horizon.

Knowing that all this time I was shackled in an illusion and finally I’m released to a reality beyond my comprehension: where everything starts to unfold and finally makes sense. You look back to what made you and you realize that everything happens for a reason, not a hair falls in the middle of darkness that Allah Al-mighty didn’t not design to be with a purpose.

I look back at my footsteps and realize that every fitnah that befell me was a preparation, it was to make me stronger and withstand the upcoming destination. With every Dua that was made molded the destiny of our two paths to meet. For that, I cannot comprehend the generosity and compassion of Allah! For it let a soul fly into my path fully unexpected, fully completed….guarded by two angels, sent from heaven, packaged into exactly what I needed…

I feel terrible. To the extreme that I feel like I need to bow down in prostration until days end and ask for forgiveness for all those days when I got frustrated at Allah to send me someone that perfects my soul and fits perfectly into one body. I want to ask for forgiveness when I be-littered your powers and cried thinking loneliness was my fate and harmony. How am I deservant of such soul you had sent from heaven to me? How after all that I’ve done. Could it be possible that you’ve done this to show that with You, ya Allah, lies all the power, and to you we belong? I believe in you and your destiny…

How beautiful it is when we let Allah design and destines, for he Perfects! But I will be patient. Patience we lacked when we got frustrated, but now we truly know the altitude of Allah’s powers. Prayers, Duas, inner strength, Iman fuel, love and compassion needs to be fostered…to imagine this whole time Allah took us for a rollercoaster ride called life just to get us ready….I knew…I KNEW that Allah was waiting for the best time to bring such souls to meet! I knew that Ithought I was ready, but I knew that Allah knows best…

For Allah never overburdens a soul with what it can’t handle! Sub7anaAllah..

Everything takes three days:
It takes three days to forgive,
It takes three days to forget,
and it takes three days to untangle your heart from its fears!
But to Allah, it takes less then second, Be and it shall Be!

I will be storing every tear that flows from the wells of my heart. So mold me into what u desire me to be. Just put wings on me so I can fly freely with only you by my side in harmony…

3:33

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

There was a wave of wind gushing behind you, it was me following,
Tracing your foot steps and making new directions, running and circling.
The light of day gave in to the covers of the darkness' complaining,
But the sparkle of one star kept gazing, lighting the path directing….
The words to the harmony of our minds speaking
Weighing the words waiting to be said, with the hearts rhyming..
Chocking on the last doubt, a lost cause it was becoming
Ready to close the eyes….the past into the memory rewinding
Behind shaking walls of my body….waiting….

~
3:33 AM calmed the wind storms that were surging
Unshackled the nucleus of my soul... pounding
the broken ladder into my throat, it was climbing
High, above the sky, a cloud underneath me holding
Weightless… is this even possible and WHY ME?…still doubting

"i see you as what ever muslim girl should be" kept repeating...
Breaking into tiny little pieces, I’m reforming
Into this belief… once a dream and now a reality it’s becoming…
Alhamdoulillah…. For All and everything!

Fate and Spears…will they ever coincide!

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Close them eyes and take a deep breath,
The world you once painted has changed colors
The blue turned to violet and the grey shades you dark
The rain leaked through you path and made it disappear…
Fate and Spears…will they ever coincide!
Don’t you believe…..that God can make anything happen?
At times I seem to loose my train of thought
I forget my past and run back into whatever hurt
I am going to wait and weigh it out…
For the heart can fool the eyes once more…

Untangle the fingers that kept on counting
The moments I disappeared in your memories
Snuggle under the last softest thing I own
And blur the vision I seemed to envision…
I don’t want you to practice on my heart.
I don’t want to be a silly mistake or a random memory
A passing time or a backup just in case…
I mend then I’ll break..so I’ll shield my rose
And grow some thorns, before its too late!

I think I’ve fallen…in between your fingers
The rope that was wrapped around my throat
Has entangled and let go and left me in a wide open space!
The truth was shown in your eyes,
And made my eyes forgive its lies…
When they were closed shut trying to hide
The wisdom within, and its unfortunate times
And the reflected heart… swallowed within
So I’ll close them eyes and take a deep breath
I am going to wait and weigh it out…
For the heart can fool the eyes once more…

~*MISHT*~

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

MIST memories:

*Snort * Library infested by Mist people * the Slice machine and Badges * Hamza: "Do not touch this computer or else Basheer will...!" ...Affaf: "I TOUCHED IT"* Tahar: "i'm the only one with hundreds of Highschoolers, where are yall?" * getting swormed by 75 volunteers NEEDING their badges * The Window * Ze Boorgers and ze pitzas* 2ambreen's hoodie and the LAUGH ATTACK* "put yall's pennies in ze jar" * some random guy: "the bandana's look nice, I think it's your feminine touch!!!!" * A Volunteer: "PLEASE please let me be a moderatorrrrrrrr* Mahad: "tell Hani that i'm volunteering..TELL HIM" ...Affaf: "No Hani, you can use him NOW, he is volunteering for another 45 min...EVIL LAUGH" ....Mahad: "OH MANNN..." lollol * 2ambreen's 99cent Scarf * Amina's Sisterly message * Raheel's LOGISTICS chair * Raheel: "Are YOUU charging YOUR PHONE on my computer???!?!?!?" * the 3 muskateers picking up 45 pizza boxes and the 10 CENT CHANGE! * Shariq: OH MAN...DID U HEAR THAT! lol* "Hamza, its ok, i know the box is TOO heavy for you" * The Brother's section * The sister's section and Hamza's personal PM lol * "i BELIEVE I can make it" * Downtown in 0 degree weather trying to find Kinko's * HILTON and the sleepy couple* safiya falling asleep on the computer for 15 min * lolololololol * Libi's popped out veins * Memorial's entrace * "what happened to the pizzaaaaaa...ahhhhh" * SAFIYAAAAAAA, THEY WANT YOU * "your from nationals, then I MUST sit on a CHAIR!"

... then I missed sunday!

I loved MIST 2009! MIST 2010 anyone!? ....talk to me in few weeks

NOT "Swallowed by the Sea..."

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem...

"You cut me down a tree, And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see, Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf, And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself, You can only blame me

And I could write a song, A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong, And you belong with me
And I could write it down, Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found, Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line, And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I, Decided to go to see you
You cut me down to size, And opened up my eyes
Made me realize, What I could not see

And I could write a book, The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took, It took it back from me
And I could write it down, Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found, And you'll come back to me
...............Not swallowed in the sea

And I could write a song, A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong, And you belong with me
The streets you're walking on, A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong, And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live, With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive, Not loving all you see
You belong with me, Not swallowed in the sea" -CP

The Sea of Lies...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

As I was reading Surat Isra2, I came upon some verses that really fit into the shoes that i'm standing in, the road that i'm taking, and the questions that I'm answering:

"Your Lord is He Who drives the ship for you through the sea,

in order that you may seek of His Bounty.

Truly! He is Ever Most Merciful towards you.

And when harm touches you upon the sea,

those that you call upon vanish from you except Him (Allâh Alone).
But when He brings you safe to land,
you turn away (from Him).
And man is ever ungrateful[].
Do you then feel secure that He will not
cause a side of the land to swallow you up,
or that He will not send against you a violent sand-storm?

Then, you shall find no Wakîl

(guardian— one to guard you from the

torment).

Or do you feel secure that He

will not send you back a second time to sea

and send against you a hurricane of wind

and drown you because of your disbelief?

Then you will not find any avenger therein against Us."

65-69

Its funny, cause you can take these few ayats literally, or decompose them to mean something in your life...especially reading it in arabic.

You are on the ship on the wild sea, as in Fitnah. Allah guides the ship, as in DESTINY. The sea becomes so wild and thundering, Fitnah arise within the waves and so violently it tries to take over your ship, your life. And who will you find to help you...you in the middle of no where, in the middle of darkeness. Your balance is gone and your left tembling from edge to edge, holding on to anything in front of you. At times, you swallow the water from the sea and you think its over...Who will help you?

You realize the eyes are looking up on the sky, looking so desperately, and the heart is screaming Allah, the only one that will hear, the only one that will respond, the only one there to hear your inner voice. Allah will respond to the desperate call. That very second the waves of the seas calm and get beautified. The sun rises from its chest, and the birds flying atop making a beautiful dance. Everything ever so peacefull, by Allah's will. Then what?

"Ok so that's over with"... you return to the same state you started from before you set foot on the ship. you become ever so ungratful. So now that you passed this wild Sea storm, are you secure that something greater will not occur? to test you once more so you will realize WHO IS YOUR LORD? or are you secure that the same won't happen, but this time, HE WILL NOT RESPONDE to your desperation and despair. This time, he will let you drown?

wow. That right there....HIT HOME! I must get away from what is drowning me. Alhamdoulillah, today was the first day sticking to my resolutions of my previous post...and..
I FEEL GOOD! taratarara....I KNOW THAT I WOULD NOW! I FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL GOOODDDDDDD! ....SO GOOD...TATA...SO GOOD....! ALHAMDOULILLAH...

see ya suckers!

ok no seriously. ALHAMDOULILLAH!

A troubled post...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

This is going to be very long, but so are the thoughts in my head...They need to be released somehow, a better way when their is no one left to bear my voice. Your silence and smiles they rather, what am I talking about, no one will understand if I go further!

I hate being alone and bored. At any point in time, I need to either be doing something that interests me or be talking to someone. When neither are found, my thoughts will be like a spider web and i'm stuck in the middle...

30 min later

....Ok so i actually wrote a whole HUGE post rambling about my thoughts...but you know what, I got it out, I rather throw it out..cause i reached to a conclusion:

1. I left the "engineering" crowd to connect to my muslim brothers and sisters. However, going over to the eng few times have prooved otherwise, it reminded me of GOOD IT WAS OVER THERE. I have faced more fitnah amongst the muslim "library" crowd then I did with 99% male dominated environment. I rather take the latter anyday...thus, I will return to that environment that consists of: laid back boys who love WEIRD and funny conversations, at the same time, your getting work done!

2. My mind is troubled as it is, and to fill it in with one more worry, its only going to tip me over the edge. So I dont want to ever hear what ANYONE has to say about me. I dont want to hear any NEGATIVE shit that people construct within their filthy mouths, especially if they have filthy hearts and have a filthy perception towards me, yut they smile in front of me!

3. I want to feel empty again. Twice this week i empties myself complete. i want to feel light and worryless again... This might dip me into destruction, but man it is a craving that i crave most... only temporarily till I become weightless, i'll tell myself...

4. the rope of faith let me go and i'm fallling down...I know! so I dont need anyone to give me looks of dissapointment...just LEAVE ME ALONE! No one has any business with the eyeliner in my eyes! or what consists of my "bad habits"...

5. I hate planning, hoping, dreaming, talking, trusting, becoming....i hate all that now! God, i rather slide a sharp knife over my throat then to hope for something that's going to lead to despair... notice how i used the word "Hate": yup, someone triggered this foreign emotion in me! ? It means you literally run out of 70+ excuses to be merely be indifferent towards them….yes, they pushed it over the edge…What happens when you hate someone? They become YOUR ENEMY! fucker

6. I will drive myself insane by my random thoughts...so i'm not going to think anymore. If something does not pass my way BLUNTLY, then i'll leave it. I should add "analyzing" in the 5th... . I hate spy games, telephone games, games period (except soccer games!) Although seems interesting, but I hate guessing games too. Ooo And Eye games, leave them to when there’s something established. What I dread now is the smile game…Ahhh the smile game. Smile game consist of a person that is holding something terribly against you, but they smile in front of you… yes, all these games fall under…what is it…HYPOCRACY!

7.....what's going to become of me, only Allah knows! but whatever it is, it can't be worse than this...or maybe it can...wohoo! can't wait...

What a dream....

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Midst of night, lying awake listening to a calling
hearing a voice: footsteps of wind crawling
my thoughts, around a wonder circling
These happenings are new to me, I must hide my face

The wind gusting through, made the fire flaming
Do not let the knees weaken, this shadow soon to be leaving
What has entered this sheltered heart and sent it beating
This is where strength and fear collide in one place
---
The mirrored eyes understood without even speaking
One glance fires you up inside, you feel like dying
The passion, how to close the port and watch the boat sinking
Take me with you, through the journey of roses to a place:

Birds singing the melodies of our hearts beating
The clouds clustering, the shape of our hearts their painting
The ocean separates, to a far away land leading
Along the matching predestined footsteps, like a maze
---
…….Then you wake up, everything dying
You pick up the pieces that were but reminding
In between mountains, the dead hope surging
And the rivers that swore to make the oceans rage

Merely from the drops of rain, the eyes of the 7 skies merging
Heal me by love, so that the past can forget me, even temporarily
The wounds are eating away the flesh of my soul, competing
To the end, Their almost draining the last drop to form my base.
---
My birds freezing at my door broken winged bleeding
To heal me, all night on his feet singing
My heart bearing, its weakness fighting
Melting inside the little hope I had, am falling from grace

I didn’t see in your eyes the reason for me to keep holding
For my return I was searching, but for my departure its screaming
My words within your tear drops falling
To the past, I will remain as a closed case.

Horizon...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

I was ready to let it out, the very breath that inhibited my thoughts to surrender…that constrained my mind and tangled it all around. I was ready to walk slowly and take my time. I was ready to accept what my hands have let and accept it was but a dream waiting to be let out…

I was ready… I laid my dying corpse on the green grass bordering the water ready to let it all out. All my eyes can see is the blue sky shinning back at me, but all I was shinning back was a dark cloud thundering. I closed my eyes to disappear from these killing thoughts and I dozed off to a 2 sec sleep. I didn’t alow myself, never will I alow myself to dream again….Never!

I sat up, legs curled underneath, trying to unravel the knot that makes up my mind, trying to make up a thought. I couldn’t, everything that came out was a frozen face, quenched eye brows inflicting a horrible headache inbetween my eyes. I was…In Pain!

Ah..I must return to the Lord, since I learned to him we shall return. I threw my high heels inside my backpack and walked with nothing but socks…I wanted to feel the ground crush at my footsteps, I wanted to feel the life in between my toes, I wanted to feel the weight against my shoulders, I wanted to go back to my roots, in prostration I’ll reside forever I wish to end…

Walking along the corners till I reached the doors of the “Holly” building. I perfected my wudoo and along the stairs I led my soul to utter Allah’s name once more… I prayed 2 raka’s of despair!

I grabbed a Quran and intended to go back to the river of fate once more. Coming down the stairs then I hear “Heyyyy…. Do you know if people pray here” yelled in an Indonesian accent. I turned around, I see this foreign Indonesian boy against the balcony. I said “well, they usually pray at the basemement of the library…I can take you and show you!” … he responded “I would appreciate that!”.

Along the wonderful walk towards the library (where hell broke loose), he introduced his name (Jefry) and that he goes to HCC but only comes here to pray. He is majoring in Journalism, and only been here for 2 years. He said that he wishes to see the Muslims, but he always ends up praying alone at the religion building.

I introduced him to some of my friends and lead him to the basement. Showed him where the qibla. His look on his face as if he finally had found his perfect serene place. What others have taken for granted as “ze basement”, to him as if he discovered his most missed memories from Indonesia, the gather of muslim brothers and sisters.

I grabbed my quran and made my way towards the fountains once more, I had made the intent that I will read till the sunset, and that’s what I shall do. As I was walking, I found that a boy was sitting on “my” bench reading the bible and contemplating on the serene colors of the horizon, the beautiful pink, orange, purple waves on the skies…

I sat on the bench next to his, opened my quran to surat “Israa’” and read ever so slowly with tajweed, and watched the sun dissapear into nothingness, behind the far away tree, only the orange light shinning back at me, and the words of quran are lighting the path back…

I hurried back to the basement and caught the last rak’a to Jama’a prayer for maghrib…. ALhamdoulillah

Snake dream...interpreted

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

I'm far gone, but something keeps following me...maybe to the end. I forgave, but something doesn't want to forget me...maybe till the end. I stand straight under the Sun to avoid my shadow, but someone keeps shinning the bright light at me... maybe to "uncover" the true me. I avoid the entrance and go from the side, but something keeps reminding me that i can't hide.

Sigh. I wish to forget, but it keeps haunting me...i'm afraid till they see me drown in my tears, or create deep cuts to see me bleed. Maybe then they will stop!

But I chose not to scream and I chose not to speak. What's spreading is lies, but they will come back in a full circle and haunt thee forever. I just need to be quiet and stand still. This situation doesnt DESERVE my voice, nor words...What do they want? explanation? of what?

How the eyes fortolled a lie? how my heart uncontrollably beated at the moment I caught a glimpse of you long ago? And how I kept it all in and spoke through 2 ears to reach yours? .... but something, SOMEONE turned this to a story of lies and threw it back to my eyes to see it turn out this way... W0W!

If I hadnt expressed my interst I wouldn't be where I am right now...Thus, it is my fault. I put the trust of my heart inbetween weak hands...funny, cause this suppose to be the most IMPORTANT TRUST that a believer can hold, and be asked about it in the end of day...

I had asked about my dream that I had couple of days ago, the SNAKE DREAM:
it was interpreted as follow:

she said that "the thing that you were holding, was something good, somethign you trusted; but then it turned to a snake and backstabbed you...the thing you trusted became the opposite...and the rest of the snakes mean people are spreading something bad...in your school or work!
....

Dua is the weapon of the believer!

Reasons to find...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

Last Day (Day 3)

Everything happens for a reason, and everything reasons itself in the end; We may know not at the time, but Allah, the all-Knower, knows the placement of every particle at each tiny segment of time.

3 days and 4 nights passed me by, like a blink of an eye to most people, but I lived and remembered every minute and every second of it. The days as long as 3 months: never will I forget my mind’s conquest over the heart, Never will I forget the dua’s and prayer that I made, never will I forget these eyes at what they witnessed.

4 days ago, I dreamt that I was holding a rope. After a while, there were snakes all around me, coming from underneath the doors, and the rope in my hand turned to a snake. Lord knows how much I dread snakes, and they were all around me. The moment I started to freak out I woke up breathless.

I remember thinking “meh, it was just a nightmare”. 5 hours later, the most dreadful news came to me. For it was not new news to me, It just caught me by surprise for I forgot long ago and had moved on. I repaired my heart and memory, then Boom: as if my body was being stoned.
The night after, a nightmare once more. But I didn’t remember this one, I know it was merely my conscious spreading the disease once I closed my eyes.

The 3rd night I dreamt of something surreal. I was in a miserable state, but something…SOMETHING made me happy. My heart felt this blissful high for mere few seconds, something that I never felt before. It was as if I just received news that I am amongst the winners of the hereafter, but I didn’t receive such news in my dream. After those seconds, someone came to me and started to inquire who did i see... it was an angel!

I woke up, in a happy state, but I brushed it off and was like “meh, it was just a hopefull dream.” And here I am today, in a satisfied state. Althought the past few days I wanted to squeeze myself dry...I am, today…..HAPPY!

It hit me, that everything happens for a reason, and I MUST BE PATIENT. And at this time, I must remember that WE BELONG TO ALLAH, AND TO HIM WE SHALL RETURN!

Alhamdoulilah. Who knows, maybe experiencing this has protected me from something bigger. Because of this, I changed my route to the end!

Closer to the end...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

I want to calm my storms, and silent my cries. I want to pull out what’s stinging me inside! I want to disappear behind a curtain, I want to be everything yet nothing at all. It is going to take days longer then I thought, but everyday a decision will be made to get me closer…closer to the end. I must be alone, alone to handle what’s put in front of me, for no one will understand!

A particle I wish to be, invisible from the red eyes. Concentrate on what’s meant to heal me, rather then my wishes and lies. Far away I wish to remain beautified by see through walls; locked from within, Forever I will reside.

Hope remains when the eyes rest, when the soul delves in a dream, but there it should remain, because I’m a nightmare that should never be dreamt, within a bitter sweet seclusion inside this repulsive temple.. The floor and the sky are connected by rain drops, falling down and so I will be rinsed. Rinsed of what my hands have let, and my heart has failed again…

Everything must be taken away, it’s a repetitive motion that my life seemed to get used to. I wonder what promises in the end… I failed my heart, I must not fail my Soul!

Let me be...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

the memories of yesterday are being propeled in a constant rate, all to punish my heart for ever feeling, and this presents itself with the best incentive to never feel again....

When your intentions were so pure to begin with, but they got raped by another's interpretations, and you think to youself: Is it me? or is there a great reason for it all?

I'm at excuse number 69, I'm literally hanging by a thread. This will tip over by one more push, my patience is being depleted by every sound that crazes the situation.

What was an innocent interest done through the holy way, became a sweet talk amongst everyones lips: who are you and what have you done to my heart?

Who's reputation are you trying to protect? It surely is not mine. Because if my repuation was the key here, then the problem should have been addressed to ME, rather then every other random person that barely knows me. That is, if my reputation was truly at stake here.

But I dont think so. I like to believe so, but i doubt it. I think that intentions got fooled by everyone's thoughts, and here you are trying but your only harming yourself. In the end, the truth will tell itself, and the true intentions will crawl out of the heart and reveal itself...

i'll be waiting for that moment, it won't be now! You will only receive my dua's of forgiveness, I hope that you can let go of me to let me be....

More Gems from Shepherd's Path...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

(These are tentative live notes....needs to be edited; nevertheless, the speach today was AMAZING...spiritually uplifting)

Even if people lost hope, you don’t loose hope with them.

Few lessons:

- We should always have hope, no matter what situation. The greatest sin is shirk of Allah, and feeling secure in punishment, and giving up in mercy of Allah swt. Once the ball starts rolling the right way, it can happen very quickly, change will happen very quickly

- Hijrah: leave sins for the sake of Allah. “a muslim is whom are safe from the hands and their tongue. The one that makes hijrah, leaves for Allah from things that are forbidden.

- Reward of the hijrah, all his previous sins will be wiped out. “in times of hardship, when making 3ibadah, is like making hijrah to mohammed s” the greater the hardship, the greater the reward. Burning coal is what leads to paradise.

You always in a state of dawah, even the little things that you do. You never know what affects someone and when it hits them. Maybe you get their attention through the use of “bismiAllah”

First thing that mo(s) said

“oh people, spread the salams,

“the binning to your journey of paradise starts with a salam.

Sign of judgment, is that person who gives salam ONLY if he needs something

At times, the sahaba when a tree separated, they renew their salam

Always make extra and give to your neighbors and friends…

If your not expecting a gift, any gift is a diamond ring.

3 major things :

1. Establish masjid

2. Establish brotherhood

3. Rules/Regulations; constitution of madine

The camel was left to roam, it went to two orphans place and sat there. Wherever the camel sat, then that’s where he will establish his start. Orphan has not reached the age of puberty; his wealth is his! The orphans wanted to give the land to Mo(s), but mo(s) wanted to PAY FOR IT. As an orphan, your wealth can’t be given away without prior approval (although it’s the oraphan’s full property)

This place was a graveyard…mo(s) ordered all the bones to be moved, and planted trees. And the masjid was about to be built.

As a leader, you let them do their specialty

Mo(s) told ammar that he will be killed by tresgresors, and his last drink was milk. Ammar died when he was fighting with Ali against mu3awiya. This is the proof that Ali was in the right side.

Manners are a great pillar in our etiquettes toward learning and practicing islam. Just like previous companions, one doesn’t need daleel to learn or have manners.

Mo(s) didn’t want a bad breath (not eat garlic) because he didn’t want a bad breath for Jibreel, because he doesn’t know when jabreel comes to him.

When you love someone, you want to like what they like, talk the way they talk, want what they want. If you truly love someone, you emulate them.

When you look at a masjid, its not its exterior look, but the interior activities that go on inside the masjid. A place for worship/education/social gatherings/play/poor/dermatory/dawah/army/ a place to keep the prisoners (as a form of dawah).

Love for the sake of Allah, is when you want for people to come close to allah, and nothing for yourself. This is the GREATEST love. Doing something for your spouse, treat them kindly, give them their rights, but don’t seek anything in recompense. And if it comes UNEXPECTEDLY, you will be more appreciative. In this mindset, you will always be nice and kind to your spouse. Even though she’s angry, don’t return the anger, be patient. If you put this between your family, between your mother…always return the goodness, and hide the anger.

To be continued...

Tender my heart....

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Day 2

A meteorite landed on earth... Is it the beginning of the end?

When a breath stumbles to enter my throat, when my heart refuses to beat one more, when its all over, where will I go? how will I receive thee?

The news reports that a football sized meteorite his home, Do you know what happened to my body? It stopped functioning. Do you know what ran into my head? fear. Eyes widened and heart pumped harder then ever before....Its over, and I know its over, but this just hit home.

If I died at this moment, where will I go? Heaven or Hell.

Lets be truthful to ourselves, lets be honest and be real...Am I deserving of Janna right here and then? Am I satisfied of my actions and good deeds; rather, AM I GUARANTEED? Absolutely guaranteed that I will enter thee?

YA Allah....

Everything is coming to me as signs, all I needed was to open my eyes, and not only that, but to also tender my heart to feel, to let it hit the core of my soul!

The khutba today did just that. after 10 min of ranting about our purpose of life, I found myself feeling nothing, its not making sense to me. I, within my breath, asked Allah to tender my heart and let me feel, let me accept his words, and let me ponder and follow these words....At that split second, I cried.

He asked: "The day when its all over, its here. Where do you stand?"

I knew. I knew where I'd be going, and if I didn't stand still firm on the ground, I will be amongst the losers. Within, I know whats within, a corrupted soul holding a corrupted heart. I know whats within, my deepest secrets and fears. No need to display, but the most important thing right at this moment, is that I got the chance to REALIZE...realize my inner faults and fears and get the chance to fix them. I know what's underneath now, no need to fool myself.

I know the sins i'm commiting, no need to say....I know what to do now, no need to cry

I know the one to turn to, no need to talk....I know what I want, no need to lie!

I know my past, no need to repeat...but I don't know my future, so no need to wait...

Finally, the word fitnah made sense to me , cause i'm climbed right on top of its head. Now its my decision to take, which direction to lead, whether the right road that leads to hell, or the left road that leads to heaven....Constantly at its head at ever corner, repeating the same situation in my head...IN A MAZE CALLED LIFE!!!! this maze would be so much easier if your hand in hand with your partner, climbing its hills, fighting its storms, and swimming its tides...that much easier. Because the most dangerous times are at the times when your alone, otherwise, your half is fulfilled, and are instilled with so much khushu3 to layer on the second half....

Ya Allah make me stronger, make me stronger, make me stronger to fight my inside and stand for the truth. Make me not of those that are blind and deaf, but among those that REALIZE and stand. Make me among the pious and the mutaqun, and instill in me KHUSHU3!

---

I Just started a journey to Heaven, taking babysteps towards a firmer ground, and building on from there inshaAllah. I made a plan:

Phase I: Repentence

1. Methods of Seeking Forgiveness

2. Repentence Series

Phase II: Iman [2weeks]

1. Protecting Our Iman: mohammed el-sharif

2. Accidental Reflections / Return and Pray

3. Lazy boy/Imaan-the verb

4. What is Iman and Who is a believer

Phase III: Khushu3/Hereafter

Phase IV: Soul

Phase V: Heart

Phase VI: Manners

Phase VII: .....

......*sigh* ameen!

Where is Allah when the heart is sealed! [contemplating Surah Baqara]

BismiAllah AlRahman AlRaheem

Day 1:

وَمِنَ ٱلنَّاسِ مَن يَقُولُ ءَامَنَّا بِٱللَّهِ وَبِٱلۡيَوۡمِ ٱلۡأَخِرِ وَمَا هُم بِمُؤۡمِنِينَ (٨) يُخَـٰدِعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَمَا يَخۡدَعُونَ إِلَّآ أَنفُسَهُمۡ وَمَا يَشۡعُرُونَ (٩) فِى قُلُوبِهِم مَّرَضٌ۬ فَزَادَهُمُ ٱللَّهُ مَرَضً۬ا‌ۖ وَلَهُمۡ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمُۢ بِمَا كَانُواْ يَكۡذِبُونَ (١٠)

And of mankind, there are some (hypocrites) who say: "We believe in Allâh and the Last Day" while in fact they believe not. (8) They (think to) deceive Allâh and those who believe, while they only deceive themselves, and perceive (it) not! (9) In their hearts is a disease (of doubt and hypocrisy) and Allâh has increased their disease. A painful torment is theirs because they used to tell lies. (10)
Surah Baqara

How much we love to testify with our words and mouths our love for Thy, and following the path of the beloved, Mohammed (S); yet, our hearts are oblivious! We separated our minds and hearts so much that they became two foreign lands. At times we choose to feel, and other times we choose to fear…But we seem to forget to intertwine the heart and the brain to perceive the direction that we direct our selves.

When life takes major turns, we run away to find a place of solitude, a place where we belong. Yet we forget to go back to our original form: dust locked in space binding and breaking to worship Allah, yes…we forget our purpose when we lock ourselves in the worries of this life.

Who shall we turn to in our times of distress? Our hearts say our beloved, and our minds say our Lord. But why can’t we just take a step back and think, why did Allah make a soul within a hollow shell? A soul that locks a mind and heart to use them both at the same time. So why do we choose to use one or the other when we want to, based on whims and desires?

كَيۡفَ تَكۡفُرُونَ بِٱللَّهِ وَڪُنتُمۡ أَمۡوَٲتً۬ا فَأَحۡيَـٰڪُمۡ‌ۖ ثُمَّ يُمِيتُكُمۡ ثُمَّ يُحۡيِيكُمۡ ثُمَّ إِلَيۡهِ تُرۡجَعُونَ

How can you disbelieve in Allâh? Seeing that you were dead and He gave you life. Then He will give you death, then again will bring you to life (on the Day of Resurrection) and then unto Him you will return.

Surah Baqara

Oh Allah, when we take the time to contemplate the creation and our selves within this wide space, we return to You, The originator of all plans. We tend to forgive our sins so fast, and think that Allah is doing the same. We tend to forgive and forget and move on. Yes, that’s what the hypocrits have taught us. But why do we live then? Is to remember our sins and to learn from them. Thus, there’s a fine line between forgiving and forgetting that we seem to get lost in. This is the crack of a dry land that we seem to fall in, and that’s why we fall in the same whole everytime we pass it by.

Allah always sets rewind to our lives and put us in the same path, to see if we learned from what WE say or think we've learned; yet we never learn, and fall in the same pits of the past. Sub7anaAllah.

We fools people, thinking we've got it made. HA! We don’t fool anyone but ourselves. Our hearts became dead, nourished by “nothingness”: music, useless words, uncontrollable laughters, unearned love, whims and desires. Throughout time, we harden our hearts so much that it becomes darkened by forgotten sins…and what do we become?

Our hands don’t shake when we make dua, they fall back behind until they are rested on our laps. Our eyes are torn out from our hearts, and never wheep, ONLY when we seem to fall behind. And where’s Allah within our minds? WHERE IS ALLAH?

We are the loosers. WE ARE THE LOOSERS, dammit. Allah did not loose us, we lost our selves. The love of Allah, the oft-Merciful, its because of his love that he holds on to you. He still, from his end, grabbing to the roap you took so long to find, to earn, so many tears just to grab on so tightly. Then we seem to forget and forgive ourselves so easily. And get lost….we are lost!

وَٱسۡتَعِينُواْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ وَٱلصَّلَوٰةِ‌ۚ وَإِنَّہَا لَكَبِيرَةٌ إِلَّا عَلَى ٱلۡخَـٰشِعِينَ (٤٥) ٱلَّذِينَ يَظُنُّونَ أَنَّہُم مُّلَـٰقُواْ رَبِّہِمۡ وَأَنَّهُمۡ إِلَيۡهِ رَٲجِعُونَ (٤٦)

And seek help in patience and As-Salât (the prayer) and truly it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khâshi'ûn [i.e. the true believers in Allâh - those who obey Allâh with full submission, fear much from His Punishment, and believe in His Promise (Paradise,) and in His Warnings (Hell, )]. (45) (They are those) who are certain that they are going to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are going to return.

Wrapped around our minds, faultered and corrupted, we loose ourselves into the wild abyss. We cup our tears and hold on to our fears, because that’s the only thing that seems to make sense. We got used to it all, because it keeps repeating itself. All the benches in the world will not hold you tight, all the rivers of the word will not store your tears, all the corners of the world will not store your fears, and all the hidden places in the world can not be trusted….. only in the nucleus of our hearts can we trust, where Allah resides!

Allah resides in our hearts, only ….ONLY IF WE PURIFY OUR HEARTS! If its still dark and dim, why do you think that Allah would want to reside in such a FILTHY HEART! Why do we fool ourselves?

Patience. Something that I thought I mastered, well thinking that since I havnt killed myself yet, then I must have patience. NOT! Patience is holding on to Allah at the times of happiness and distress, and never letting anything get in between your path to Janna! You kill every atom of satan that tries to enter your heart, and you purify….and keep purifying because it’s a never ending process.

Prayer. Something that I thought I mastered, well thinking that since I run to the Sajada evertime the adhan announces itself. NOT! Prayer is the want and need of Allah to hear your voice at the times of happiness and distress, and never letting the “I HAVE TO PRAY” have a path to your mind. And never letting other wants get in between your path to Janna! ONCE you think you HAVE TO PRAY, you must top yourself and think? Why do I have to pray? I DON’T HAVE TO ….REALLY! I can just hide in a dark place and no one will know…no.. YOU want to pray…you want to WANT to go to ONLY ALLAH AT EVERY TIME!

These two are the medicine of a broken heart, a broken soul, wingless bodies! For they remain lost in despair, in the thought that they’ve got it made. With these two, one can find KHUSHU3!

Khushu3: Those that always remain at their tippy toes, at the edge of the clif, think that at any point in time, they might fall down by Allah’s will… They always remain in a constant awareness that the next second might be their last, that the breath that’s taken might be their last, that it might be their last blink. Those “who are certain that they are going to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are going to return.”

----

I must take a stand. I must be strong. I must be patient. I must stand the test of time. I must comply by my lord's way, I must pray. I must ask for a path, where the heart gets purified, and so will my soul. I must do it by myself, for the first time, myself and my lord.

I must be alone, and corner my thoughts. I must hold my hands high and beg. BEG. I have met someone that made me realize what I want and what I need, that made me think back to what really matters, I have felt again, that made me be alive again! But now I must, have to meet my Lord in a place far far away. I have to TRUST IN HIM! trust him with my destiny, my soul, my heart, and everything in between!

I cannot get lost again. I cannot lose the sight of the goal....JANNAH!

I must disapear until I become firm again. I must! How can I handle another's heart when I my self am broken winged....

I HATE words...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

A thought constrained in my throat, tangled within my jugular vein, I tried to stop it before it made its way to my mind…and now my head hurts so much. I think I've failed again, I fail at everything...I hate words! I wish I can just sit there, and someone can figure out everything by a sight on my eyes, by mere silence... they can delve in beyond the layer that shields this smile! because I HATE WORDS when they can't describe it all...

I wish I can explain it all, I wish to have the reasons for it all…But I did my part, and now it’s left to undertake on its own...I unraveled all the mysteries, and took wide turns, without even thinking twice. Why do I seem to do this to myself, I always set myself on fire, and let my heart fuel it all... Why can't I just accept the facts, the facts that were inscribed to me before I was created....I don't need pity, I just want someone that would understand... but I can already see where my life is going... I seem to never learn from the past, repeat the same old story, keep pressing rewind. Ha...HA...HAAA.... Life is laughing back at me now!

I'm going to buy a ticket to the unknown, go up beyond the sky. I want to disappear, I am anything but a shinning star....I might be the stupidest person that ever lived on this planet kind of star, who wants that? I'm a thought out riddle, takes clever mind to understand.

But then again...

How can I describe this without using words:

[ I began as a lost molecule, stranded by a gush of wind into a lost land. All I saw were thorns, I should have known before I picked up the rose. I seemed to pull the petals, one by one, as the days passed by. Wondering, questioning, finding myself high by the strongest smell of the rose. All along, I found my rose petal'less, but I already bleeded out my veins by its thorns, already breathed in all its aroma...I was already gone!

I was let go to be handled by the direction of the wind, a direction that took a wide turn! All this time, I was oblivious, i kept on reassuring my lost rose that "no...I will never, it can't, Never will it"....Suddenly, I realized that time was going at the speed of sound, and I was already that gone...I found myself under a thundering sky, getting rained on...alone once more as I begain, a lost molecule, stranded by a gush of wind into a lost land. ]

This shall never stop, the circle of life! So inshaAllah, next time, my heart will be hardened to never feel, my soul will be weightless to never bear, and my mind....there's aspirin for that!

How can I be blamed when I’m being captivated
A restlessness sweeps through my eyes
I am trapped within the memories instilled in me
Seemed to find the keys to the gates of my passion
But you already blame my heart? And I’m already that gone
Shackle my hands why don’t you
And lock my heart, please, make it easier on me to stand
I was already gone inside the imagination of this dream
But you seemed to find the way to make me cry
Deprive me from my heart long lost friend…
And so I lit a candle and waited till it dimmed out
Waited till it made its path to the past…

I never wish this on anyone...

Under a Bridge...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem
(listen)

Walking...then running, shedding every step on that treadmill that seemed to never work wonders anymore. Before, I used to go at the dawn of day to shed my inner tears and run the past away...but now its different. I dont know what it is, its just memories of yesterday seem to linger and delve in deeper, that running couldnt seem to shed anymore....

...maybe if I increased the speed of the stupid damn thing. Nope, nothing!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh F*$#!

I snatched my water bottle and decided to go outside, into the outdoor track. Maybe, just maybe, the cloudy windy skies could bring light into my inner darkness. So I start running for 2 minutes, then I come across a path, far away. A bridge that me and safiya never crossed, we always turned right at the light when driving to the parking lot. I always asked her "where does that road lead? can we try it one time"...However, we never tried to take it, actually....we never dared.

And here I am, at the top of the hill looking over the bridge. So I decided to let go, let go of all the laws, let go of all the rules once more, and just go, go to where the wind takes me...

Run down the hill towards the bridge, and run....I ran until my heart throbbed and about to find the secret passage out. Then I let my legs do their own thing, without the mind's inquisitions towards its reasons. Just let it flow.

One thing led to the other. After crossing the bridge, I took a over-ridden grass route under the bridge....and there was the river. The purple/blue river surrounded by green grass and sunflowers. I ran along side the river, then went under the rail way track... Where were my fears? where was my worry...all were left at the top of that hill.

Inside of me was searching for something...searching for something I didnt know....at least at that time.

So I run more...suddenly complete silence, all I hear within the secret silence is the wind. The wind brushing through the tall grass and wild flowers....Fear catches up to me, and I'm left in the middle no where. So I start to hear sirens of fear....I Am Completely alone!

That is exactly what I was looking for....being alone. Alone to shout out loud, alone to cry my heart out, alone to scream my inner thoughts, alone so no one hears....

Although that's exactly what I did under the bridge, I still felt fear...In the back of my mind, I was afraid that someone can hear. Whether it be an animal behind the bush, or an ant below my feet, or a hobo sleeping near there...I was afraid!

That moment I realized, The most hidden spot, the most Serene hidden spot is in the nucleus of the heart. That's where Allah resides, that's the very spot where no one can hear. Thats where the doors are sound proof, thats where the secrets are kept, that's where it all begins and ends...

...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, A sense of relief rushed through me. I knew exactly what to do, I need to pray...I need to put my forhead to the ground and pray....mix tears into dua and let go! for no one can answer except He, and no one can relax the heart except He...

I ran back, I ran as fast as I can...Tears of happiness finally found a way out. I found my answer that I was longing for under a bridge....

Shepherd's Path

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Today's lecture was amazing. Sh. Abdul bary speaks from the heart, as if he's speaking poetry. here are the things that triggered my to cry, and entered straight to the heart:

"A men comes to the masjid, very sad and very quiet, or so it seems. His kids run around the masjid and the father sits there in a gazed state as if nothing is happening. So you are reading quran, and get irritated. So you feel like coming to him an dsay “brother, can you please do something about your kids”…the men shakes his head, and says “I’m sorry, we just came from the hospital, and his mother died.” ….how would you feel?...immediately, that mercy comes to your heart.
When you hear about the hereafter, all the little things disappear and you start having mercy. Physically, did the kids stop running, no! when you think about death and hereafter, you forget the little things and it STRENGTHENS you…you become the strongest person, emotionally!"

(i'll edit later...but just to share for now)

~Seasons of the heart~

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

“In between closed eyes, a dream wrapped in an illusion of thoughts

Such is part of the Cleverness of the mind, or a weakness of the self .

Walking in a land, following a trail of footsteps that matched my feet

Such was a Coincidence in time, or a predetermined fait”

-A random thought

(listen)

~The Fall

So out of breath, more like a tightening restricting my inner thoughts to be released,
to be uttered for understanding. Joining my presumed notion that I’m unworthy of any kind of enjoyment; well, I have to confess, I’m cursed. I would never think to restrict my self from such feeling, wanting to love, or to be thereof. A fear, once despised, will fire upon my eyes, all I could do then is shut them tight and everything else?

Even the non believers say I’m a skeptic, well no doubt that anyone comes out fully alive.
Sadness was seen from my eyes, tears flowed beyond limits, such can never be given to a child dying of thirst. Leashed my imaginations to only contain what’s accepted by my mind, I never understood the will of the heart. It’s a long way, full of roses with thorns, Children playing under cloudy thundering skies. Such way will be understood by my mind and enjoyed from my heart.
The heart will smell the roses, run through the bushes and dance under the sunny sky; The mind will examine the thorns on the roses, and carry an umbrella in case it rains…

So where will my eyes cross which inspire such happening to be felt? I know that all is none, and none will never happen. Yet my fingers are holding tight, for long lost hope. Once my eyes never cried, my heart stopped loving, And I smiled in spite of all. Some wonder how I take and hide, And how I leave. My back still curved, my teeth still hurt, And at night, my eyes were still awake, I just shielded myself with a thick dark layer; a wail of sadness but no one heard…

~The Winter (1:40)
My words were hidden underneath layers of sadness, shielded by grief, protected and never touched. For if someone delves in my mind, they will find wells overfilled; lightning striking, thunderstorm surging and waiting to achieved. Such are the heavy storms of the mind, the very thing to be fearing from, the biggest sign to an end, the end of it all.

Where did my will go? my persistent to achieve? all dwelled in a corner in my thoughts, until the day where I corned them all....An answer I longed for, came on my green bird broken back to my doorsteps...And I knew, I knew that all is gone. The anticipation for a long awaited smile was smothered by a relief. A relief from the heart, for long it was waiting, like a chapter in a book waiting to be read, waiting to be dead. It only caused headache, not heartache. For I never let it sink in and delve into the core of my soul. It was but an interest, an idea waiting to be presented to the heart, left in the mind.

All I wanted was an end, weather yes or no...and nothing more.


~The Spring (2:45)
I opened the blinds, I let in the most beautiful sun shine...rays of solitude, waiting to be contemplated upon. I opened my mind to a beautiful thought...imagination on the loose, words waiting to be spoken, words of the confused.

Here I am standing upon a mountain, reflecting on a river, contemplating my Lord and all his creation. I am, who am I? I longed to find words to describe my inner drive, my will to mastermind, my greater path in this life. For a heart opened, opened widely, as if all this time, it was waiting for me... all this time, to understand...

~Summer (3:28)
Oh I am flying, flying like a green bird, that was released from the heavens, from up above. I'm fulfilled, I became the very words of perfection, the verses from the Quran. Oh ya Allah, you have saved me from my worst enemy, My fears and the inability to love...

I have found reasons once more. I have found things to contemplate on. I have found my purpose. I have found a path to follow, and footsteps finally were clear cut and i will never be confused. Never confused again, because you are here and I'm there.

Its just a matter of time before I find myself on the rise. I find my self High on the seventh cloud. Its a matter of time before I walk towards the door, before you grant me the key to the highest floor. Hand in hand, with my beloved, we strived through the worst of times, the best of times, the uprise and down low. We exprienced All the above, plus more.

Everything wrapping into a revelation, the heart pumping into its veins, Passion...All this time, we undermined a term called love. Our patience depleted, as so we thought, we knew it all. What is the definition of a thing called love? Where the hearts.....where are the souls that foster them all.


End of time (5:12)
Laying in between his arms, the sensation is leaving me, numb I'm becoming. "Love what's happening, why is the light directed at me, what are they doing here". From the toes to the knees, to the stomach, to my arms, to my neck...and I'm RELEASED.

My soul departing, held by the wings, my angles ever so soft. Relief.
"I will see you soon, in the heavens where we belong. My love!"

'The Inspirer'

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Answering couple of questions in a quiz (tried to be as honest as possible), I never was described AS WELL as they described me....Sub7anaAllah. Lordie, everything is true and right to the point! I didnt know myself TRULY until i read this thing.... wow....

--------------
Portrait of an ENFP (The Advocate) -
Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Feeling)

The Inspirer

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.
ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.
ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.
An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.
Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.
Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.
An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.
ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.
ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.
Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.
ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.
Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.
ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.
Jungian functional preference ordering for ENFP:
Dominant: Extraverted IntuitionAuxiliary: Introverted FeelingTertiary: Extraverted ThinkingInferior: Introverted Sensing

The Changing Seasons...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

The Changing Seasons
A contemplation
(PERFECT song: listen)

The core of the eye is witnessing the history made in time.
The changes of the heart… I finally realized its cleverness.
It was my dream that we’d meet in a place called ‘mine’,
But the Composer had a better plan in mind…
Just tell me how the heart lives in a lost land.
This life is evolving into changing seasons,
But I’m stuck in a prison where the mind resides.
From the beginning of time, I was born into a wonder,
A worry of how it will all end.
Centuries ago remained the true values of love,
It longs for a meaning once more;
Through the nucleus of our hearts, it longs to be sheltered….

I am…who am I? Am I a lost star belonging to a farther constellation?
Or am I an autumn leaf that was abandoned by a tree?
I am the wind grazing through the soft green grass, leading to a direction...
Or will I be a strayed rain drop landing on a lost hand?
Who am I after the heart becomes sealed:
Particles scattered within an ocean’s tide.
Bottle me up so I can float away,
Land on midst a far away shore.
The nights brought me stars, formed into constellation…
It’s a scary thought I tell you!
How I wish to be blind, for I can never stop trying to read the stars.
I'm lost in their revelations….I dread my heart,
A core that’s buried 6 inches deep from within;
Always chased by the mind,
Tangling every emotion with mightier reasons.
A tangled web we are stuck in lost in between its beautiful weaves,
Wrapped around the colors of the horizon,
Waiting for the sun to rise.
Ah…the sun! Must we need a lamp to see the sun?
Its round and clear, circling our core,
Winding our memories, and we’re left dancing to the music its making.
On our tippy toes, lose our balance,
And now we are left hanging by a thin thread miles down into the darkness….
All the hands of the world seemed to disappear...
Planets moving far apart, I keep tumbling in midst void space.
Where art thou? Where did you go? Even your hands let go?
Passion is when the veins slowly start making rhythm,
From beat to words, rhyming with another's heart beats;
The soul rips through the dusty shell, and the shell crumbles at their feet.
The remaining dust remains floating with the air that submitted….
Once… the heart should be loved once,
Then forever scattered to be composed back in the heavens.

I am…who am I? A clock that’s ticking chimes,
A reminder every hour that passes by
That your words are forever lost?
Or am I the lost words that were riding to be said,
Waiting to be spoken.
I am the rhythm that a heart pulses to,
I am the trail that you left behind.
I am the very footsteps you wish to remain.
I am, but a wishful thought, waiting to be dreamt.
In need of a strong will to achieve. I am who I am…
A dark flag waved in a lost battle. Or so it seems…
When clouded by the dusty skies.
I am but an atom longing to be a molecule,
A soul waiting to be complete…A heart locked in a case.
A moon rising on a thirsty sky and never setting again…
I am the day where it will all end.
How I wish to be deaf,
for I can never stop hearing your heart.
I’m lost in its rhythm….
How I dread my dreams.
Long lost tangled in a fantasy….an illusion!
Where no rules bound my soul.
Who do we become after everything becomes constant?....
In Heaven?
Ah… Heaven: a destiny written with words
That are matching our footsteps.
I have yet to master the concept of heaven,
I keep losing my faith at the thought of you,
The reminder of death, the fear of hell!
Guide me back from my thought out theories,
Question my mind, and understand:
I have yet to master the concept of heaven, for I keep losing…

I am....who am I? Sirens serenading beautiful sonnets,
Entering through a window directed at your ear?
Speaking softly words of inspiration, inspired to tell others to never fear!
Closing in are the walls that are built around you, wish to be lifted by the wind
Coiled underneath you, taken up.....rising.... until you reach the stars.
From within, you blended in, another ray of light illuminating upon us all.
Once a lost star, now left fixated amongst the many jewels of heaven.
You made it to where you belong....to Heaven!
But I keep losing. Lost the grasp of reality and delved in danger.
I don’t blame anyone but my own faults.
I have been deemed to be a missing diamond,
Lost in between weak hands ...I have nothing to fear,
For my Beloved, my Allah, will hold my hand through my sufferings, from above...
I must be deafened for what I heard; I must be blinded for what I saw,
I must die for what I lived, and he, the Oft-Forgiver,
I pray for Him to turn all my faults into to dust.
If he loves, then he will remain holding my hand
Until I pass through the wild fires.
Gives me a breath when I'm drowning, and lifts me up when I'm falling,
Folded around my beloved’s arms, He will guide...
Ah....Strength. The will to compromise the weak thoughts.
Would you have lied to save the truth?
Would you have gave up your love, to sacrifice her heart?
Strength, in a matter of time, crumbles
At the feet of the beloved.
But one thing will hold you from falling from the sky
From loosing your spark and becoming lost:
Trust…Faith in the Highest, the Omniscient
Trust in him to lead you through your lost path,
To let you survive through the changing seasons
To come out stronger with a firm will…
A will to mastermind a path, a Taqwa:
Running through the thorns,
The thorns will never break through your skin…
And you will reach, a place of serenity,
With your beloved…a place of tranquility.
You will see…Just contemplate
On the lost words riding to be said, waiting to be spoken.
Follow the rhythm that your heart pulses to.

I am the trail that you left behind.
I am the very steps you wish to remain.
I am the Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer
A milky way composed with pieces of your heart.
I am the loudest scream that deafened your sanity
I am the very path in a lost land…I am who I am….
the changing seasons of your heart.

(its finally done)

I hate earphones!

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

I want to loose my earphones....LITERALLY!

---

"The Scientist"

by Coldplay

"Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are.

I had to find you, tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, Oh, lets go back to the start.

Running in circles, coming up tails, Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy, It’s such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start…..

I was just guessing at numbers and figures, Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart.

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, Oh and I rush to the start.

Running circles, chasing our tails, Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy, Oh, its such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start….."

A new path....a new meaning!

BismiALlahi AlRahman AlRaheem

"I set out for a path to discover

What’s been missing, a life without regrets.

I’m not afraid of tomorrow’s mysteries,

I have filled my emptiness with a faith."

ٱلَّذِينَ يَذۡكُرُونَ ٱللَّهَ قِيَـٰمً۬ا وَقُعُودً۬ا وَعَلَىٰ جُنُوبِهِمۡ وَيَتَفَڪَّرُونَ فِى خَلۡقِ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٲتِ وَٱلۡأَرۡضِ رَبَّنَا مَا خَلَقۡتَ هَـٰذَا بَـٰطِلاً۬ سُبۡحَـٰنَكَ فَقِنَا عَذَابَ ٱلنَّارِ



"Such as remember Allah, standing, sitting, and reclining, and consider the creation of the heavens and the earth, (and say): Our Lord! Thou createdst not this in vain. Glory be to Thee! Preserve us from the doom of Fire."
3:191

Nothing is Accidental

He it is Who has made the sun a source of radiant light

and the moon a light reflected, and has determined for it phases

so that you might know how to compute the years and to measure time.

None of this has God created without an inner truth .

Clearly does He spell out these messages to people of knowledge.

For, truly, in the alternating of night and day,

and in all that God has created in the heavens and on earth

there are messages indeed for people who are conscious of Him!

[ Sürah Yünus 10:5-6]

Literally, God has not created this otherwise than in accordance with truth —i.e., to fulfill a definite purpose in consonance with His planning wisdom, implying that everything in the universe—whether existent or potential, concrete or abstract—is meaningful, and nothing is “accidental.” Compare 3:191 : O our Sustainer! You have not created anything of this without meaning and purpose ( bäöilan ) and 38:27: We have not created heaven and earth and all that is between them without meaning and purpose, as is the surmise of those who are bent on denying the truth. (Asad, p. 289) [The Book of Revelations, p.135]