Day 1:
وَمِنَ ٱلنَّاسِ مَن يَقُولُ ءَامَنَّا بِٱللَّهِ وَبِٱلۡيَوۡمِ ٱلۡأَخِرِ وَمَا هُم بِمُؤۡمِنِينَ (٨) يُخَـٰدِعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَمَا يَخۡدَعُونَ إِلَّآ أَنفُسَهُمۡ وَمَا يَشۡعُرُونَ (٩) فِى قُلُوبِهِم مَّرَضٌ۬ فَزَادَهُمُ ٱللَّهُ مَرَضً۬اۖ وَلَهُمۡ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمُۢ بِمَا كَانُواْ يَكۡذِبُونَ (١٠)
And of mankind, there are some (hypocrites) who say: "We believe in Allâh and the Last Day" while in fact they believe not. (8) They (think to) deceive Allâh and those who believe, while they only deceive themselves, and perceive (it) not! (9) In their hearts is a disease (of doubt and hypocrisy) and Allâh has increased their disease. A painful torment is theirs because they used to tell lies. (10)
Surah Baqara
How much we love to testify with our words and mouths our love for Thy, and following the path of the beloved, Mohammed (S); yet, our hearts are oblivious! We separated our minds and hearts so much that they became two foreign lands. At times we choose to feel, and other times we choose to fear…But we seem to forget to intertwine the heart and the brain to perceive the direction that we direct our selves.
When life takes major turns, we run away to find a place of solitude, a place where we belong. Yet we forget to go back to our original form: dust locked in space binding and breaking to worship Allah, yes…we forget our purpose when we lock ourselves in the worries of this life.
Who shall we turn to in our times of distress? Our hearts say our beloved, and our minds say our Lord. But why can’t we just take a step back and think, why did Allah make a soul within a hollow shell? A soul that locks a mind and heart to use them both at the same time. So why do we choose to use one or the other when we want to, based on whims and desires?
كَيۡفَ تَكۡفُرُونَ بِٱللَّهِ وَڪُنتُمۡ أَمۡوَٲتً۬ا فَأَحۡيَـٰڪُمۡۖ ثُمَّ يُمِيتُكُمۡ ثُمَّ يُحۡيِيكُمۡ ثُمَّ إِلَيۡهِ تُرۡجَعُونَ
Surah Baqara
Oh Allah, when we take the time to contemplate the creation and our selves within this wide space, we return to You, The originator of all plans. We tend to forgive our sins so fast, and think that Allah is doing the same. We tend to forgive and forget and move on. Yes, that’s what the hypocrits have taught us. But why do we live then? Is to remember our sins and to learn from them. Thus, there’s a fine line between forgiving and forgetting that we seem to get lost in. This is the crack of a dry land that we seem to fall in, and that’s why we fall in the same whole everytime we pass it by.
Allah always sets rewind to our lives and put us in the same path, to see if we learned from what WE say or think we've learned; yet we never learn, and fall in the same pits of the past. Sub7anaAllah.
We fools people, thinking we've got it made. HA! We don’t fool anyone but ourselves. Our hearts became dead, nourished by “nothingness”: music, useless words, uncontrollable laughters, unearned love, whims and desires. Throughout time, we harden our hearts so much that it becomes darkened by forgotten sins…and what do we become?
Our hands don’t shake when we make dua, they fall back behind until they are rested on our laps. Our eyes are torn out from our hearts, and never wheep, ONLY when we seem to fall behind. And where’s Allah within our minds? WHERE IS ALLAH?
We are the loosers. WE ARE THE LOOSERS, dammit. Allah did not loose us, we lost our selves. The love of Allah, the oft-Merciful, its because of his love that he holds on to you. He still, from his end, grabbing to the roap you took so long to find, to earn, so many tears just to grab on so tightly. Then we seem to forget and forgive ourselves so easily. And get lost….we are lost!
وَٱسۡتَعِينُواْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ وَٱلصَّلَوٰةِۚ وَإِنَّہَا لَكَبِيرَةٌ إِلَّا عَلَى ٱلۡخَـٰشِعِينَ (٤٥) ٱلَّذِينَ يَظُنُّونَ أَنَّہُم مُّلَـٰقُواْ رَبِّہِمۡ وَأَنَّهُمۡ إِلَيۡهِ رَٲجِعُونَ (٤٦)
And seek help in patience and As-Salât (the prayer) and truly it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khâshi'ûn [i.e. the true believers in Allâh - those who obey Allâh with full submission, fear much from His Punishment, and believe in His Promise (Paradise,) and in His Warnings (Hell, )]. (45) (They are those) who are certain that they are going to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are going to return.
Wrapped around our minds, faultered and corrupted, we loose ourselves into the wild abyss. We cup our tears and hold on to our fears, because that’s the only thing that seems to make sense. We got used to it all, because it keeps repeating itself. All the benches in the world will not hold you tight, all the rivers of the word will not store your tears, all the corners of the world will not store your fears, and all the hidden places in the world can not be trusted….. only in the nucleus of our hearts can we trust, where Allah resides!
Allah resides in our hearts, only ….ONLY IF WE PURIFY OUR HEARTS! If its still dark and dim, why do you think that Allah would want to reside in such a FILTHY HEART! Why do we fool ourselves?
Patience. Something that I thought I mastered, well thinking that since I havnt killed myself yet, then I must have patience. NOT! Patience is holding on to Allah at the times of happiness and distress, and never letting anything get in between your path to Janna! You kill every atom of satan that tries to enter your heart, and you purify….and keep purifying because it’s a never ending process.
Prayer. Something that I thought I mastered, well thinking that since I run to the Sajada evertime the adhan announces itself. NOT! Prayer is the want and need of Allah to hear your voice at the times of happiness and distress, and never letting the “I HAVE TO PRAY” have a path to your mind. And never letting other wants get in between your path to Janna! ONCE you think you HAVE TO PRAY, you must top yourself and think? Why do I have to pray? I DON’T HAVE TO ….REALLY! I can just hide in a dark place and no one will know…no.. YOU want to pray…you want to WANT to go to ONLY ALLAH AT EVERY TIME!
These two are the medicine of a broken heart, a broken soul, wingless bodies! For they remain lost in despair, in the thought that they’ve got it made. With these two, one can find KHUSHU3!
Khushu3: Those that always remain at their tippy toes, at the edge of the clif, think that at any point in time, they might fall down by Allah’s will… They always remain in a constant awareness that the next second might be their last, that the breath that’s taken might be their last, that it might be their last blink. Those “who are certain that they are going to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are going to return.”
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I must take a stand. I must be strong. I must be patient. I must stand the test of time. I must comply by my lord's way, I must pray. I must ask for a path, where the heart gets purified, and so will my soul. I must do it by myself, for the first time, myself and my lord.
I must be alone, and corner my thoughts. I must hold my hands high and beg. BEG. I have met someone that made me realize what I want and what I need, that made me think back to what really matters, I have felt again, that made me be alive again! But now I must, have to meet my Lord in a place far far away. I have to TRUST IN HIM! trust him with my destiny, my soul, my heart, and everything in between!
I cannot get lost again. I cannot lose the sight of the goal....JANNAH!
I must disapear until I become firm again. I must! How can I handle another's heart when I my self am broken winged....
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