Friday, February 27, 2009

Snake dream...interpreted

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

I'm far gone, but something keeps following me...maybe to the end. I forgave, but something doesn't want to forget me...maybe till the end. I stand straight under the Sun to avoid my shadow, but someone keeps shinning the bright light at me... maybe to "uncover" the true me. I avoid the entrance and go from the side, but something keeps reminding me that i can't hide.

Sigh. I wish to forget, but it keeps haunting me...i'm afraid till they see me drown in my tears, or create deep cuts to see me bleed. Maybe then they will stop!

But I chose not to scream and I chose not to speak. What's spreading is lies, but they will come back in a full circle and haunt thee forever. I just need to be quiet and stand still. This situation doesnt DESERVE my voice, nor words...What do they want? explanation? of what?

How the eyes fortolled a lie? how my heart uncontrollably beated at the moment I caught a glimpse of you long ago? And how I kept it all in and spoke through 2 ears to reach yours? .... but something, SOMEONE turned this to a story of lies and threw it back to my eyes to see it turn out this way... W0W!

If I hadnt expressed my interst I wouldn't be where I am right now...Thus, it is my fault. I put the trust of my heart inbetween weak hands...funny, cause this suppose to be the most IMPORTANT TRUST that a believer can hold, and be asked about it in the end of day...

I had asked about my dream that I had couple of days ago, the SNAKE DREAM:
it was interpreted as follow:

she said that "the thing that you were holding, was something good, somethign you trusted; but then it turned to a snake and backstabbed you...the thing you trusted became the opposite...and the rest of the snakes mean people are spreading something bad...in your school or work!
....

Dua is the weapon of the believer!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Reasons to find...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

Last Day (Day 3)

Everything happens for a reason, and everything reasons itself in the end; We may know not at the time, but Allah, the all-Knower, knows the placement of every particle at each tiny segment of time.

3 days and 4 nights passed me by, like a blink of an eye to most people, but I lived and remembered every minute and every second of it. The days as long as 3 months: never will I forget my mind’s conquest over the heart, Never will I forget the dua’s and prayer that I made, never will I forget these eyes at what they witnessed.

4 days ago, I dreamt that I was holding a rope. After a while, there were snakes all around me, coming from underneath the doors, and the rope in my hand turned to a snake. Lord knows how much I dread snakes, and they were all around me. The moment I started to freak out I woke up breathless.

I remember thinking “meh, it was just a nightmare”. 5 hours later, the most dreadful news came to me. For it was not new news to me, It just caught me by surprise for I forgot long ago and had moved on. I repaired my heart and memory, then Boom: as if my body was being stoned.
The night after, a nightmare once more. But I didn’t remember this one, I know it was merely my conscious spreading the disease once I closed my eyes.

The 3rd night I dreamt of something surreal. I was in a miserable state, but something…SOMETHING made me happy. My heart felt this blissful high for mere few seconds, something that I never felt before. It was as if I just received news that I am amongst the winners of the hereafter, but I didn’t receive such news in my dream. After those seconds, someone came to me and started to inquire who did i see... it was an angel!

I woke up, in a happy state, but I brushed it off and was like “meh, it was just a hopefull dream.” And here I am today, in a satisfied state. Althought the past few days I wanted to squeeze myself dry...I am, today…..HAPPY!

It hit me, that everything happens for a reason, and I MUST BE PATIENT. And at this time, I must remember that WE BELONG TO ALLAH, AND TO HIM WE SHALL RETURN!

Alhamdoulilah. Who knows, maybe experiencing this has protected me from something bigger. Because of this, I changed my route to the end!

Closer to the end...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

I want to calm my storms, and silent my cries. I want to pull out what’s stinging me inside! I want to disappear behind a curtain, I want to be everything yet nothing at all. It is going to take days longer then I thought, but everyday a decision will be made to get me closer…closer to the end. I must be alone, alone to handle what’s put in front of me, for no one will understand!

A particle I wish to be, invisible from the red eyes. Concentrate on what’s meant to heal me, rather then my wishes and lies. Far away I wish to remain beautified by see through walls; locked from within, Forever I will reside.

Hope remains when the eyes rest, when the soul delves in a dream, but there it should remain, because I’m a nightmare that should never be dreamt, within a bitter sweet seclusion inside this repulsive temple.. The floor and the sky are connected by rain drops, falling down and so I will be rinsed. Rinsed of what my hands have let, and my heart has failed again…

Everything must be taken away, it’s a repetitive motion that my life seemed to get used to. I wonder what promises in the end… I failed my heart, I must not fail my Soul!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Let me be...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

the memories of yesterday are being propeled in a constant rate, all to punish my heart for ever feeling, and this presents itself with the best incentive to never feel again....

When your intentions were so pure to begin with, but they got raped by another's interpretations, and you think to youself: Is it me? or is there a great reason for it all?

I'm at excuse number 69, I'm literally hanging by a thread. This will tip over by one more push, my patience is being depleted by every sound that crazes the situation.

What was an innocent interest done through the holy way, became a sweet talk amongst everyones lips: who are you and what have you done to my heart?

Who's reputation are you trying to protect? It surely is not mine. Because if my repuation was the key here, then the problem should have been addressed to ME, rather then every other random person that barely knows me. That is, if my reputation was truly at stake here.

But I dont think so. I like to believe so, but i doubt it. I think that intentions got fooled by everyone's thoughts, and here you are trying but your only harming yourself. In the end, the truth will tell itself, and the true intentions will crawl out of the heart and reveal itself...

i'll be waiting for that moment, it won't be now! You will only receive my dua's of forgiveness, I hope that you can let go of me to let me be....

Saturday, February 21, 2009

More Gems from Shepherd's Path...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

(These are tentative live notes....needs to be edited; nevertheless, the speach today was AMAZING...spiritually uplifting)

Even if people lost hope, you don’t loose hope with them.

Few lessons:

- We should always have hope, no matter what situation. The greatest sin is shirk of Allah, and feeling secure in punishment, and giving up in mercy of Allah swt. Once the ball starts rolling the right way, it can happen very quickly, change will happen very quickly

- Hijrah: leave sins for the sake of Allah. “a muslim is whom are safe from the hands and their tongue. The one that makes hijrah, leaves for Allah from things that are forbidden.

- Reward of the hijrah, all his previous sins will be wiped out. “in times of hardship, when making 3ibadah, is like making hijrah to mohammed s” the greater the hardship, the greater the reward. Burning coal is what leads to paradise.

You always in a state of dawah, even the little things that you do. You never know what affects someone and when it hits them. Maybe you get their attention through the use of “bismiAllah”

First thing that mo(s) said

“oh people, spread the salams,

“the binning to your journey of paradise starts with a salam.

Sign of judgment, is that person who gives salam ONLY if he needs something

At times, the sahaba when a tree separated, they renew their salam

Always make extra and give to your neighbors and friends…

If your not expecting a gift, any gift is a diamond ring.

3 major things :

1. Establish masjid

2. Establish brotherhood

3. Rules/Regulations; constitution of madine

The camel was left to roam, it went to two orphans place and sat there. Wherever the camel sat, then that’s where he will establish his start. Orphan has not reached the age of puberty; his wealth is his! The orphans wanted to give the land to Mo(s), but mo(s) wanted to PAY FOR IT. As an orphan, your wealth can’t be given away without prior approval (although it’s the oraphan’s full property)

This place was a graveyard…mo(s) ordered all the bones to be moved, and planted trees. And the masjid was about to be built.

As a leader, you let them do their specialty

Mo(s) told ammar that he will be killed by tresgresors, and his last drink was milk. Ammar died when he was fighting with Ali against mu3awiya. This is the proof that Ali was in the right side.

Manners are a great pillar in our etiquettes toward learning and practicing islam. Just like previous companions, one doesn’t need daleel to learn or have manners.

Mo(s) didn’t want a bad breath (not eat garlic) because he didn’t want a bad breath for Jibreel, because he doesn’t know when jabreel comes to him.

When you love someone, you want to like what they like, talk the way they talk, want what they want. If you truly love someone, you emulate them.

When you look at a masjid, its not its exterior look, but the interior activities that go on inside the masjid. A place for worship/education/social gatherings/play/poor/dermatory/dawah/army/ a place to keep the prisoners (as a form of dawah).

Love for the sake of Allah, is when you want for people to come close to allah, and nothing for yourself. This is the GREATEST love. Doing something for your spouse, treat them kindly, give them their rights, but don’t seek anything in recompense. And if it comes UNEXPECTEDLY, you will be more appreciative. In this mindset, you will always be nice and kind to your spouse. Even though she’s angry, don’t return the anger, be patient. If you put this between your family, between your mother…always return the goodness, and hide the anger.

To be continued...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Tender my heart....

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Day 2

A meteorite landed on earth... Is it the beginning of the end?

When a breath stumbles to enter my throat, when my heart refuses to beat one more, when its all over, where will I go? how will I receive thee?

The news reports that a football sized meteorite his home, Do you know what happened to my body? It stopped functioning. Do you know what ran into my head? fear. Eyes widened and heart pumped harder then ever before....Its over, and I know its over, but this just hit home.

If I died at this moment, where will I go? Heaven or Hell.

Lets be truthful to ourselves, lets be honest and be real...Am I deserving of Janna right here and then? Am I satisfied of my actions and good deeds; rather, AM I GUARANTEED? Absolutely guaranteed that I will enter thee?

YA Allah....

Everything is coming to me as signs, all I needed was to open my eyes, and not only that, but to also tender my heart to feel, to let it hit the core of my soul!

The khutba today did just that. after 10 min of ranting about our purpose of life, I found myself feeling nothing, its not making sense to me. I, within my breath, asked Allah to tender my heart and let me feel, let me accept his words, and let me ponder and follow these words....At that split second, I cried.

He asked: "The day when its all over, its here. Where do you stand?"

I knew. I knew where I'd be going, and if I didn't stand still firm on the ground, I will be amongst the losers. Within, I know whats within, a corrupted soul holding a corrupted heart. I know whats within, my deepest secrets and fears. No need to display, but the most important thing right at this moment, is that I got the chance to REALIZE...realize my inner faults and fears and get the chance to fix them. I know what's underneath now, no need to fool myself.

I know the sins i'm commiting, no need to say....I know what to do now, no need to cry
I know the one to turn to, no need to talk....I know what I want, no need to lie!
I know my past, no need to repeat...but I don't know my future, so no need to wait...

Finally, the word fitnah made sense to me , cause i'm climbed right on top of its head. Now its my decision to take, which direction to lead, whether the right road that leads to hell, or the left road that leads to heaven....Constantly at its head at ever corner, repeating the same situation in my head...IN A MAZE CALLED LIFE!!!! this maze would be so much easier if your hand in hand with your partner, climbing its hills, fighting its storms, and swimming its tides...that much easier. Because the most dangerous times are at the times when your alone, otherwise, your half is fulfilled, and are instilled with so much khushu3 to layer on the second half....

Ya Allah make me stronger, make me stronger, make me stronger to fight my inside and stand for the truth. Make me not of those that are blind and deaf, but among those that REALIZE and stand. Make me among the pious and the mutaqun, and instill in me KHUSHU3!
---
I Just started a journey to Heaven, taking babysteps towards a firmer ground, and building on from there inshaAllah. I made a plan:

Phase I: Repentence

Phase II: Iman [2weeks]

Phase III: Khushu3/Hereafter
Phase IV: Soul
Phase V: Heart
Phase VI: Manners
Phase VII: .....

......*sigh* ameen!


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Where is Allah when the heart is sealed! [contemplating Surah Baqara]

BismiAllah AlRahman AlRaheem

Day 1:

وَمِنَ ٱلنَّاسِ مَن يَقُولُ ءَامَنَّا بِٱللَّهِ وَبِٱلۡيَوۡمِ ٱلۡأَخِرِ وَمَا هُم بِمُؤۡمِنِينَ (٨) يُخَـٰدِعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَمَا يَخۡدَعُونَ إِلَّآ أَنفُسَهُمۡ وَمَا يَشۡعُرُونَ (٩) فِى قُلُوبِهِم مَّرَضٌ۬ فَزَادَهُمُ ٱللَّهُ مَرَضً۬ا‌ۖ وَلَهُمۡ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمُۢ بِمَا كَانُواْ يَكۡذِبُونَ (١٠)

And of mankind, there are some (hypocrites) who say: "We believe in Allâh and the Last Day" while in fact they believe not. (8) They (think to) deceive Allâh and those who believe, while they only deceive themselves, and perceive (it) not! (9) In their hearts is a disease (of doubt and hypocrisy) and Allâh has increased their disease. A painful torment is theirs because they used to tell lies. (10)
Surah Baqara

How much we love to testify with our words and mouths our love for Thy, and following the path of the beloved, Mohammed (S); yet, our hearts are oblivious! We separated our minds and hearts so much that they became two foreign lands. At times we choose to feel, and other times we choose to fear…But we seem to forget to intertwine the heart and the brain to perceive the direction that we direct our selves.

When life takes major turns, we run away to find a place of solitude, a place where we belong. Yet we forget to go back to our original form: dust locked in space binding and breaking to worship Allah, yes…we forget our purpose when we lock ourselves in the worries of this life.

Who shall we turn to in our times of distress? Our hearts say our beloved, and our minds say our Lord. But why can’t we just take a step back and think, why did Allah make a soul within a hollow shell? A soul that locks a mind and heart to use them both at the same time. So why do we choose to use one or the other when we want to, based on whims and desires?


كَيۡفَ تَكۡفُرُونَ بِٱللَّهِ وَڪُنتُمۡ أَمۡوَٲتً۬ا فَأَحۡيَـٰڪُمۡ‌ۖ ثُمَّ يُمِيتُكُمۡ ثُمَّ يُحۡيِيكُمۡ ثُمَّ إِلَيۡهِ تُرۡجَعُونَ

How can you disbelieve in Allâh? Seeing that you were dead and He gave you life. Then He will give you death, then again will bring you to life (on the Day of Resurrection) and then unto Him you will return.
Surah Baqara

Oh Allah, when we take the time to contemplate the creation and our selves within this wide space, we return to You, The originator of all plans. We tend to forgive our sins so fast, and think that Allah is doing the same. We tend to forgive and forget and move on. Yes, that’s what the hypocrits have taught us. But why do we live then? Is to remember our sins and to learn from them. Thus, there’s a fine line between forgiving and forgetting that we seem to get lost in. This is the crack of a dry land that we seem to fall in, and that’s why we fall in the same whole everytime we pass it by.

Allah always sets rewind to our lives and put us in the same path, to see if we learned from what WE say or think we've learned; yet we never learn, and fall in the same pits of the past. Sub7anaAllah.

We fools people, thinking we've got it made. HA! We don’t fool anyone but ourselves. Our hearts became dead, nourished by “nothingness”: music, useless words, uncontrollable laughters, unearned love, whims and desires. Throughout time, we harden our hearts so much that it becomes darkened by forgotten sins…and what do we become?

Our hands don’t shake when we make dua, they fall back behind until they are rested on our laps. Our eyes are torn out from our hearts, and never wheep, ONLY when we seem to fall behind. And where’s Allah within our minds? WHERE IS ALLAH?

We are the loosers. WE ARE THE LOOSERS, dammit. Allah did not loose us, we lost our selves. The love of Allah, the oft-Merciful, its because of his love that he holds on to you. He still, from his end, grabbing to the roap you took so long to find, to earn, so many tears just to grab on so tightly. Then we seem to forget and forgive ourselves so easily. And get lost….we are lost!

وَٱسۡتَعِينُواْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ وَٱلصَّلَوٰةِ‌ۚ وَإِنَّہَا لَكَبِيرَةٌ إِلَّا عَلَى ٱلۡخَـٰشِعِينَ (٤٥) ٱلَّذِينَ يَظُنُّونَ أَنَّہُم مُّلَـٰقُواْ رَبِّہِمۡ وَأَنَّهُمۡ إِلَيۡهِ رَٲجِعُونَ (٤٦)

And seek help in patience and As-Salât (the prayer) and truly it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khâshi'ûn [i.e. the true believers in Allâh - those who obey Allâh with full submission, fear much from His Punishment, and believe in His Promise (Paradise,) and in His Warnings (Hell, )]. (45) (They are those) who are certain that they are going to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are going to return.

Wrapped around our minds, faultered and corrupted, we loose ourselves into the wild abyss. We cup our tears and hold on to our fears, because that’s the only thing that seems to make sense. We got used to it all, because it keeps repeating itself. All the benches in the world will not hold you tight, all the rivers of the word will not store your tears, all the corners of the world will not store your fears, and all the hidden places in the world can not be trusted….. only in the nucleus of our hearts can we trust, where Allah resides!

Allah resides in our hearts, only ….ONLY IF WE PURIFY OUR HEARTS! If its still dark and dim, why do you think that Allah would want to reside in such a FILTHY HEART! Why do we fool ourselves?

Patience. Something that I thought I mastered, well thinking that since I havnt killed myself yet, then I must have patience. NOT! Patience is holding on to Allah at the times of happiness and distress, and never letting anything get in between your path to Janna! You kill every atom of satan that tries to enter your heart, and you purify….and keep purifying because it’s a never ending process.

Prayer. Something that I thought I mastered, well thinking that since I run to the Sajada evertime the adhan announces itself. NOT! Prayer is the want and need of Allah to hear your voice at the times of happiness and distress, and never letting the “I HAVE TO PRAY” have a path to your mind. And never letting other wants get in between your path to Janna! ONCE you think you HAVE TO PRAY, you must top yourself and think? Why do I have to pray? I DON’T HAVE TO ….REALLY! I can just hide in a dark place and no one will know…no.. YOU want to pray…you want to WANT to go to ONLY ALLAH AT EVERY TIME!

These two are the medicine of a broken heart, a broken soul, wingless bodies! For they remain lost in despair, in the thought that they’ve got it made. With these two, one can find KHUSHU3!

Khushu3: Those that always remain at their tippy toes, at the edge of the clif, think that at any point in time, they might fall down by Allah’s will… They always remain in a constant awareness that the next second might be their last, that the breath that’s taken might be their last, that it might be their last blink. Those “who are certain that they are going to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are going to return.”
----
I must take a stand. I must be strong. I must be patient. I must stand the test of time. I must comply by my lord's way, I must pray. I must ask for a path, where the heart gets purified, and so will my soul. I must do it by myself, for the first time, myself and my lord.
I must be alone, and corner my thoughts. I must hold my hands high and beg. BEG. I have met someone that made me realize what I want and what I need, that made me think back to what really matters, I have felt again, that made me be alive again! But now I must, have to meet my Lord in a place far far away. I have to TRUST IN HIM! trust him with my destiny, my soul, my heart, and everything in between!
I cannot get lost again. I cannot lose the sight of the goal....JANNAH!
I must disapear until I become firm again. I must! How can I handle another's heart when I my self am broken winged....

I HATE words...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

A thought constrained in my throat, tangled within my jugular vein, I tried to stop it before it made its way to my mind…and now my head hurts so much. I think I've failed again, I fail at everything...I hate words! I wish I can just sit there, and someone can figure out everything by a sight on my eyes, by mere silence... they can delve in beyond the layer that shields this smile! because I HATE WORDS when they can't describe it all...

I wish I can explain it all, I wish to have the reasons for it all…But I did my part, and now it’s left to undertake on its own...I unraveled all the mysteries, and took wide turns, without even thinking twice. Why do I seem to do this to myself, I always set myself on fire, and let my heart fuel it all... Why can't I just accept the facts, the facts that were inscribed to me before I was created....I don't need pity, I just want someone that would understand... but I can already see where my life is going... I seem to never learn from the past, repeat the same old story, keep pressing rewind. Ha...HA...HAAA.... Life is laughing back at me now!

I'm going to buy a ticket to the unknown, go up beyond the sky. I want to disappear, I am anything but a shinning star....I might be the stupidest person that ever lived on this planet kind of star, who wants that? I'm a thought out riddle, takes clever mind to understand.

But then again...

How can I describe this without using words:

[ I began as a lost molecule, stranded by a gush of wind into a lost land. All I saw were thorns, I should have known before I picked up the rose. I seemed to pull the petals, one by one, as the days passed by. Wondering, questioning, finding myself high by the strongest smell of the rose. All along, I found my rose petal'less, but I already bleeded out my veins by its thorns, already breathed in all its aroma...I was already gone!

I was let go to be handled by the direction of the wind, a direction that took a wide turn! All this time, I was oblivious, i kept on reassuring my lost rose that "no...I will never, it can't, Never will it"....Suddenly, I realized that time was going at the speed of sound, and I was already that gone...I found myself under a thundering sky, getting rained on...alone once more as I begain, a lost molecule, stranded by a gush of wind into a lost land. ]

This shall never stop, the circle of life! So inshaAllah, next time, my heart will be hardened to never feel, my soul will be weightless to never bear, and my mind....there's aspirin for that!

How can I be blamed when I’m being captivated
A restlessness sweeps through my eyes
I am trapped within the memories instilled in me
Seemed to find the keys to the gates of my passion
But you already blame my heart? And I’m already that gone
Shackle my hands why don’t you
And lock my heart, please, make it easier on me to stand
I was already gone inside the imagination of this dream
But you seemed to find the way to make me cry
Deprive me from my heart long lost friend…
And so I lit a candle and waited till it dimmed out
Waited till it made its path to the past…

I never wish this on anyone...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Under a Bridge...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem
(listen)

Walking...then running, shedding every step on that treadmill that seemed to never work wonders anymore. Before, I used to go at the dawn of day to shed my inner tears and run the past away...but now its different. I dont know what it is, its just memories of yesterday seem to linger and delve in deeper, that running couldnt seem to shed anymore....

...maybe if I increased the speed of the stupid damn thing. Nope, nothing!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh F*$#!

I snatched my water bottle and decided to go outside, into the outdoor track. Maybe, just maybe, the cloudy windy skies could bring light into my inner darkness. So I start running for 2 minutes, then I come across a path, far away. A bridge that me and safiya never crossed, we always turned right at the light when driving to the parking lot. I always asked her "where does that road lead? can we try it one time"...However, we never tried to take it, actually....we never dared.

And here I am, at the top of the hill looking over the bridge. So I decided to let go, let go of all the laws, let go of all the rules once more, and just go, go to where the wind takes me...

Run down the hill towards the bridge, and run....I ran until my heart throbbed and about to find the secret passage out. Then I let my legs do their own thing, without the mind's inquisitions towards its reasons. Just let it flow.

One thing led to the other. After crossing the bridge, I took a over-ridden grass route under the bridge....and there was the river. The purple/blue river surrounded by green grass and sunflowers. I ran along side the river, then went under the rail way track... Where were my fears? where was my worry...all were left at the top of that hill.

Inside of me was searching for something...searching for something I didnt know....at least at that time.

So I run more...suddenly complete silence, all I hear within the secret silence is the wind. The wind brushing through the tall grass and wild flowers....Fear catches up to me, and I'm left in the middle no where. So I start to hear sirens of fear....I Am Completely alone!

That is exactly what I was looking for....being alone. Alone to shout out loud, alone to cry my heart out, alone to scream my inner thoughts, alone so no one hears....

Although that's exactly what I did under the bridge, I still felt fear...In the back of my mind, I was afraid that someone can hear. Whether it be an animal behind the bush, or an ant below my feet, or a hobo sleeping near there...I was afraid!

That moment I realized, The most hidden spot, the most Serene hidden spot is in the nucleus of the heart. That's where Allah resides, that's the very spot where no one can hear. Thats where the doors are sound proof, thats where the secrets are kept, that's where it all begins and ends...

...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, A sense of relief rushed through me. I knew exactly what to do, I need to pray...I need to put my forhead to the ground and pray....mix tears into dua and let go! for no one can answer except He, and no one can relax the heart except He...

I ran back, I ran as fast as I can...Tears of happiness finally found a way out. I found my answer that I was longing for under a bridge....


Sunday, February 15, 2009

Shepherd's Path

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Today's lecture was amazing. Sh. Abdul bary speaks from the heart, as if he's speaking poetry. here are the things that triggered my to cry, and entered straight to the heart:

"A men comes to the masjid, very sad and very quiet, or so it seems. His kids run around the masjid and the father sits there in a gazed state as if nothing is happening. So you are reading quran, and get irritated. So you feel like coming to him an dsay “brother, can you please do something about your kids”…the men shakes his head, and says “I’m sorry, we just came from the hospital, and his mother died.” ….how would you feel?...immediately, that mercy comes to your heart.
When you hear about the hereafter, all the little things disappear and you start having mercy. Physically, did the kids stop running, no! when you think about death and hereafter, you forget the little things and it STRENGTHENS you…you become the strongest person, emotionally!"

(i'll edit later...but just to share for now)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

~Seasons of the heart~

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem


“In between closed eyes, a dream wrapped in an illusion of thoughts
Such is part of the Cleverness of the mind, or a weakness of the self .
Walking in a land, following a trail of footsteps that matched my feet
Such was a Coincidence in time, or a predetermined fait”
-A random thought
~The Fall
So out of breath, more like a tightening restricting my inner thoughts to be released,
to be uttered for understanding. Joining my presumed notion that I’m unworthy of any kind of enjoyment; well, I have to confess, I’m cursed. I would never think to restrict my self from such feeling, wanting to love, or to be thereof. A fear, once despised, will fire upon my eyes, all I could do then is shut them tight and everything else?


Even the non believers say I’m a skeptic, well no doubt that anyone comes out fully alive.
Sadness was seen from my eyes, tears flowed beyond limits, such can never be given to a child dying of thirst. Leashed my imaginations to only contain what’s accepted by my mind, I never understood the will of the heart. It’s a long way, full of roses with thorns, Children playing under cloudy thundering skies. Such way will be understood by my mind and enjoyed from my heart.
The heart will smell the roses, run through the bushes and dance under the sunny sky; The mind will examine the thorns on the roses, and carry an umbrella in case it rains…

So where will my eyes cross which inspire such happening to be felt? I know that all is none, and none will never happen. Yet my fingers are holding tight, for long lost hope. Once my eyes never cried, my heart stopped loving, And I smiled in spite of all. Some wonder how I take and hide, And how I leave. My back still curved, my teeth still hurt, And at night, my eyes were still awake, I just shielded myself with a thick dark layer; a wail of sadness but no one heard…

~The Winter (1:40)
My words were hidden underneath layers of sadness, shielded by grief, protected and never touched. For if someone delves in my mind, they will find wells overfilled; lightning striking, thunderstorm surging and waiting to achieved. Such are the heavy storms of the mind, the very thing to be fearing from, the biggest sign to an end, the end of it all.

Where did my will go? my persistent to achieve? all dwelled in a corner in my thoughts, until the day where I corned them all....An answer I longed for, came on my green bird broken back to my doorsteps...And I knew, I knew that all is gone. The anticipation for a long awaited smile was smothered by a relief. A relief from the heart, for long it was waiting, like a chapter in a book waiting to be read, waiting to be dead. It only caused headache, not heartache. For I never let it sink in and delve into the core of my soul. It was but an interest, an idea waiting to be presented to the heart, left in the mind.

All I wanted was an end, weather yes or no...and nothing more.


~The Spring (2:45)
I opened the blinds, I let in the most beautiful sun shine...rays of solitude, waiting to be contemplated upon. I opened my mind to a beautiful thought...imagination on the loose, words waiting to be spoken, words of the confused.

Here I am standing upon a mountain, reflecting on a river, contemplating my Lord and all his creation. I am, who am I? I longed to find words to describe my inner drive, my will to mastermind, my greater path in this life. For a heart opened, opened widely, as if all this time, it was waiting for me... all this time, to understand...

~Summer (3:28)
Oh I am flying, flying like a green bird, that was released from the heavens, from up above. I'm fulfilled, I became the very words of perfection, the verses from the Quran. Oh ya Allah, you have saved me from my worst enemy, My fears and the inability to love...

I have found reasons once more. I have found things to contemplate on. I have found my purpose. I have found a path to follow, and footsteps finally were clear cut and i will never be confused. Never confused again, because you are here and I'm there.

Its just a matter of time before I find myself on the rise. I find my self High on the seventh cloud. Its a matter of time before I walk towards the door, before you grant me the key to the highest floor. Hand in hand, with my beloved, we strived through the worst of times, the best of times, the uprise and down low. We exprienced All the above, plus more.

Everything wrapping into a revelation, the heart pumping into its veins, Passion...All this time, we undermined a term called love. Our patience depleted, as so we thought, we knew it all. What is the definition of a thing called love? Where the hearts.....where are the souls that foster them all.


End of time (5:12)
Laying in between his arms, the sensation is leaving me, numb I'm becoming. "Love what's happening, why is the light directed at me, what are they doing here". From the toes to the knees, to the stomach, to my arms, to my neck...and I'm RELEASED.

My soul departing, held by the wings, my angles ever so soft. Relief.
"I will see you soon, in the heavens where we belong. My love!"

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

'The Inspirer'

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Answering couple of questions in a quiz (tried to be as honest as possible), I never was described AS WELL as they described me....Sub7anaAllah. Lordie, everything is true and right to the point! I didnt know myself TRULY until i read this thing.... wow....

--------------
Portrait of an ENFP (The Advocate) -
Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Feeling)

The Inspirer

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.
ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.
ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.
An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.
Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.
Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.
An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.
ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.
ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.
Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.
ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.
Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.
ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.
Jungian functional preference ordering for ENFP:
Dominant: Extraverted IntuitionAuxiliary: Introverted FeelingTertiary: Extraverted ThinkingInferior: Introverted Sensing

Monday, February 9, 2009

The Changing Seasons...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

The Changing Seasons
A contemplation
(PERFECT song: listen)

The core of the eye is witnessing the history made in time.
The changes of the heart… I finally realized its cleverness.
It was my dream that we’d meet in a place called ‘mine’,
But the Composer had a better plan in mind…
Just tell me how the heart lives in a lost land.
This life is evolving into changing seasons,
But I’m stuck in a prison where the mind resides.
From the beginning of time, I was born into a wonder,
A worry of how it will all end.
Centuries ago remained the true values of love,
It longs for a meaning once more;
Through the nucleus of our hearts, it longs to be sheltered….

I am…who am I? Am I a lost star belonging to a farther constellation?
Or am I an autumn leaf that was abandoned by a tree?
I am the wind grazing through the soft green grass, leading to a direction...
Or will I be a strayed rain drop landing on a lost hand?
Who am I after the heart becomes sealed:
Particles scattered within an ocean’s tide.
Bottle me up so I can float away,
Land on midst a far away shore.
The nights brought me stars, formed into constellation…
It’s a scary thought I tell you!
How I wish to be blind, for I can never stop trying to read the stars.
I'm lost in their revelations….I dread my heart,
A core that’s buried 6 inches deep from within;
Always chased by the mind,
Tangling every emotion with mightier reasons.
A tangled web we are stuck in lost in between its beautiful weaves,
Wrapped around the colors of the horizon,
Waiting for the sun to rise.
Ah…the sun! Must we need a lamp to see the sun?
Its round and clear, circling our core,
Winding our memories, and we’re left dancing to the music its making.
On our tippy toes, lose our balance,
And now we are left hanging by a thin thread miles down into the darkness….
All the hands of the world seemed to disappear...
Planets moving far apart, I keep tumbling in midst void space.
Where art thou? Where did you go? Even your hands let go?
Passion is when the veins slowly start making rhythm,
From beat to words, rhyming with another's heart beats;
The soul rips through the dusty shell, and the shell crumbles at their feet.
The remaining dust remains floating with the air that submitted….
Once… the heart should be loved once,
Then forever scattered to be composed back in the heavens.

I am…who am I? A clock that’s ticking chimes,
A reminder every hour that passes by
That your words are forever lost?
Or am I the lost words that were riding to be said,
Waiting to be spoken.
I am the rhythm that a heart pulses to,
I am the trail that you left behind.
I am the very footsteps you wish to remain.
I am, but a wishful thought, waiting to be dreamt.
In need of a strong will to achieve. I am who I am…
A dark flag waved in a lost battle. Or so it seems…
When clouded by the dusty skies.
I am but an atom longing to be a molecule,
A soul waiting to be complete…A heart locked in a case.
A moon rising on a thirsty sky and never setting again…
I am the day where it will all end.
How I wish to be deaf,
for I can never stop hearing your heart.
I’m lost in its rhythm….
How I dread my dreams.
Long lost tangled in a fantasy….an illusion!
Where no rules bound my soul.
Who do we become after everything becomes constant?....
In Heaven?
Ah… Heaven: a destiny written with words
That are matching our footsteps.
I have yet to master the concept of heaven,
I keep losing my faith at the thought of you,
The reminder of death, the fear of hell!
Guide me back from my thought out theories,
Question my mind, and understand:
I have yet to master the concept of heaven, for I keep losing…

I am....who am I? Sirens serenading beautiful sonnets,
Entering through a window directed at your ear?
Speaking softly words of inspiration, inspired to tell others to never fear!
Closing in are the walls that are built around you, wish to be lifted by the wind
Coiled underneath you, taken up.....rising.... until you reach the stars.
From within, you blended in, another ray of light illuminating upon us all.
Once a lost star, now left fixated amongst the many jewels of heaven.
You made it to where you belong....to Heaven!
But I keep losing. Lost the grasp of reality and delved in danger.
I don’t blame anyone but my own faults.
I have been deemed to be a missing diamond,
Lost in between weak hands ...I have nothing to fear,
For my Beloved, my Allah, will hold my hand through my sufferings, from above...
I must be deafened for what I heard; I must be blinded for what I saw,
I must die for what I lived, and he, the Oft-Forgiver,
I pray for Him to turn all my faults into to dust.
If he loves, then he will remain holding my hand
Until I pass through the wild fires.
Gives me a breath when I'm drowning, and lifts me up when I'm falling,
Folded around my beloved’s arms, He will guide...
Ah....Strength. The will to compromise the weak thoughts.
Would you have lied to save the truth?
Would you have gave up your love, to sacrifice her heart?
Strength, in a matter of time, crumbles
At the feet of the beloved.
But one thing will hold you from falling from the sky
From loosing your spark and becoming lost:
Trust…Faith in the Highest, the Omniscient
Trust in him to lead you through your lost path,
To let you survive through the changing seasons
To come out stronger with a firm will…
A will to mastermind a path, a Taqwa:
Running through the thorns,
The thorns will never break through your skin…
And you will reach, a place of serenity,
With your beloved…a place of tranquility.
You will see…Just contemplate
On the lost words riding to be said, waiting to be spoken.
Follow the rhythm that your heart pulses to.

I am the trail that you left behind.
I am the very steps you wish to remain.
I am the Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer
A milky way composed with pieces of your heart.
I am the loudest scream that deafened your sanity
I am the very path in a lost land…I am who I am….
the changing seasons of your heart.

(its finally done)

I hate earphones!

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,


I want to loose my earphones....LITERALLY!

---

"The Scientist"

by Coldplay

"Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are.

I had to find you, tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, Oh, lets go back to the start.

Running in circles, coming up tails, Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy, It’s such a shame for us to part.

Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start…..

I was just guessing at numbers and figures, Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart.

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, Oh and I rush to the start.

Running circles, chasing our tails, Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy, Oh, its such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start….."

Thursday, February 5, 2009

A new path....a new meaning!

BismiALlahi AlRahman AlRaheem

"I set out for a path to discover

What’s been missing, a life without regrets.

I’m not afraid of tomorrow’s mysteries,

I have filled my emptiness with a faith."


ٱلَّذِينَ يَذۡكُرُونَ ٱللَّهَ قِيَـٰمً۬ا وَقُعُودً۬ا وَعَلَىٰ جُنُوبِهِمۡ وَيَتَفَڪَّرُونَ فِى خَلۡقِ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٲتِ وَٱلۡأَرۡضِ رَبَّنَا مَا خَلَقۡتَ هَـٰذَا بَـٰطِلاً۬ سُبۡحَـٰنَكَ فَقِنَا عَذَابَ ٱلنَّارِ

"Such as remember Allah, standing, sitting, and reclining, and consider the creation of the heavens and the earth, (and say): Our Lord! Thou createdst not this in vain. Glory be to Thee! Preserve us from the doom of Fire."
3:191

Nothing is Accidental




He it is Who has made the sun a source of radiant light

and the moon a light reflected, and has determined for it phases

so that you might know how to compute the years and to measure time.

None of this has God created without an inner truth .

Clearly does He spell out these messages to people of knowledge.

For, truly, in the alternating of night and day,

and in all that God has created in the heavens and on earth

there are messages indeed for people who are conscious of Him!

[ Sürah Yünus 10:5-6]


Literally, God has not created this otherwise than in accordance with truth —i.e., to fulfill a definite purpose in consonance with His planning wisdom, implying that everything in the universe—whether existent or potential, concrete or abstract—is meaningful, and nothing is “accidental.” Compare 3:191 : O our Sustainer! You have not created anything of this without meaning and purpose ( bäöilan ) and 38:27: We have not created heaven and earth and all that is between them without meaning and purpose, as is the surmise of those who are bent on denying the truth. (Asad, p. 289) [The Book of Revelations, p.135]

Sunday, February 1, 2009

*shocked*

Bismi ALlahi AlRaheem AlRaheem,

I am... just ....shocked!

innocense turns into a blasphemous talk, but whom the One that holds the souls, protect my soul in whose hands it is being ripped..... my reputation, all because I lowered my heart's shield!
----
A foggy afternoon turns to a cold night,
As I’m walking on my path to discover,
Such truth that compressed my mind
And made such unbeautiful thoughts.
I come across a door, not knowing where it leads
so I enter, a heartbeat as fast as a lightning.
A woman, her hands covering her face
Is she crying? Or pleading in a prayer!
She looks at me and directs me to a chair
Trembling voice utters a soft noise
“Be not afraid, a bothered smile parades your face
Speak of what confirms my predicted sense.”
I’m lost in a world where I thought I knew its way,
It lead me to believe that I’m in the right path,
Certain times I can justify its happenings,
But at times, confusion wraps around my certainties.
I’m scared, afraid if such world is a lie
Beautified for my eyes to see.
The sun rises as I witness its radiance
Shine upon the face that is waiting to realize.
A turn in any direction might lead me in a trench
I will be stuck there for days, but I won’t fight
Thinking it was my destiny, and I have no say
accept everything that’s put upon me.
And here I am, now upon your doors
I came about with no realization of such confusion
Is it the lack of faith that stumbles me so low?
Or has the degree of my patience depleted as such
“you are lost in a path, faith is not what you lack
Your patience is still in tact, but scared of its depletion
The walls in your world are closing in, as so you feel
But your strength is beyond telling, so hold so tight dear….
…Your fear is that change will not take effect
As so I know you want to move on,
But I wonder what’s hidden beneath your skin
The secrets you choose not to reveal….
…You speak to me in riddles; I speak to you in words
As your eyes are hurt of what you saw,
and your still hurt of the lies you heard,
And your voice is shaky of what you conceal
So your body aches to breathe a breath…
…so liberate your inhibitions and compromise your thoughts
Is it that you lack the control of such life
Or you bare not the hidden design to your destiny,
Accused of being and not being, so hold so tight dear…
The weights on your shoulders are soon to be lifted,
Your hands are soon to be held,
By the one that embraces your truth
and reach to you beyond your expectations…”