(listen)
Walking...then running, shedding every step on that treadmill that seemed to never work wonders anymore. Before, I used to go at the dawn of day to shed my inner tears and run the past away...but now its different. I dont know what it is, its just memories of yesterday seem to linger and delve in deeper, that running couldnt seem to shed anymore....
...maybe if I increased the speed of the stupid damn thing. Nope, nothing!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh F*$#!
I snatched my water bottle and decided to go outside, into the outdoor track. Maybe, just maybe, the cloudy windy skies could bring light into my inner darkness. So I start running for 2 minutes, then I come across a path, far away. A bridge that me and safiya never crossed, we always turned right at the light when driving to the parking lot. I always asked her "where does that road lead? can we try it one time"...However, we never tried to take it, actually....we never dared.
And here I am, at the top of the hill looking over the bridge. So I decided to let go, let go of all the laws, let go of all the rules once more, and just go, go to where the wind takes me...
Run down the hill towards the bridge, and run....I ran until my heart throbbed and about to find the secret passage out. Then I let my legs do their own thing, without the mind's inquisitions towards its reasons. Just let it flow.
One thing led to the other. After crossing the bridge, I took a over-ridden grass route under the bridge....and there was the river. The purple/blue river surrounded by green grass and sunflowers. I ran along side the river, then went under the rail way track... Where were my fears? where was my worry...all were left at the top of that hill.
Inside of me was searching for something...searching for something I didnt know....at least at that time.
So I run more...suddenly complete silence, all I hear within the secret silence is the wind. The wind brushing through the tall grass and wild flowers....Fear catches up to me, and I'm left in the middle no where. So I start to hear sirens of fear....I Am Completely alone!
That is exactly what I was looking for....being alone. Alone to shout out loud, alone to cry my heart out, alone to scream my inner thoughts, alone so no one hears....
Although that's exactly what I did under the bridge, I still felt fear...In the back of my mind, I was afraid that someone can hear. Whether it be an animal behind the bush, or an ant below my feet, or a hobo sleeping near there...I was afraid!
That moment I realized, The most hidden spot, the most Serene hidden spot is in the nucleus of the heart. That's where Allah resides, that's the very spot where no one can hear. Thats where the doors are sound proof, thats where the secrets are kept, that's where it all begins and ends...
...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, A sense of relief rushed through me. I knew exactly what to do, I need to pray...I need to put my forhead to the ground and pray....mix tears into dua and let go! for no one can answer except He, and no one can relax the heart except He...
I ran back, I ran as fast as I can...Tears of happiness finally found a way out. I found my answer that I was longing for under a bridge....
No comments:
Post a Comment