...not even for a blink of an eye!

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

I’m inclined to let out the most sought-after sigh, It will surely not be easy. Ya Allah, do not leave me by myself even for a blink of an eye. I want to be alone, only you by my side.

At the end of today, I had a general outlook of a how this semester is going to be like, and how will it be spent: 5th floor cornering my thoughts and leaving room for Physics 2 and 3 other engineering classes, while my nights are to be pondering on the 4 Islamic studies courses. That means I have to go through a major prioritization stage, something that I lacked last semester….

At times I feel like I want the rest of my life be written in a scroll handed to me on a silver platter, NOW! I just want to know that everything will be ok in the end. Throughout this whole journey, all the right decision will be made and no regrets to linger on. I just want to know who I will be spending the rest of my life with and if I’m going to be happy. I just want to know, that in the end, I will be exiting this world with my book handed to me from my right, and entering the gates of Jannah! This suspicion is killing me, ya Allah, its just too much, for I’m weak. These thoughts wrap around me everytime I’m alone... that’s why I can’t be alone, not even for a blink of an eye. *sigh*

24 hours: OVER full time...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

So today I embarked into a long journey...studying islam (IOU). This, plus my last year at my secular studies, Industrial Engineer. together, 12 hrs each= 24 hours.....oh Lord, how can I do it... but I will inshaAllah.

In the next paragraphs, i'll be posting some information regarding the islamic classes and links, that if one wished, one could find usefull if one wants to study and gain more knowledge inshaAllah.

Aqeeda 1: we are studying from (linked)
- Bilal Philip's The Fundamental of Tawheed
- Ibn Taymiyah's Kitaab el-Imaan
Quran and Tajweed 1:
- Memorize Juz 26
- Recitation and tajweed of the last 4th of the quran.
Ulum el Quran 1:
-Bilal Philip's Usul el-Tafseer
- Ahmad Von Denffer's 'Ulum el-Quran (trans)
Fiqh I:
-Salih Al-Fawzan, A Summary of Islamic Jurisprudence, vol. 1

All I need is to keep myself busy...and this is the best way inshaAllah.

I took an awsome class in the Winter break, Fundamental of Islamic studies with Bilal Philips, which was amazing I have to say. Although I have to conclude this break with a teary SMILE, I am really content on how I used these 4 weeks. I managed to revert my sleeping habits, and yes, I am a Night OWel again!.....I seem to never miss FAJR anymore... Alhamdoulilah.

You are Heaven, and your heart is the key... (ya ommi)

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

In the end of time, when you see me struggling with shackles around my neck, hands and feet. When you see me moaning with blood running on my cheek. When you see me at the edge of the hell fire, Irdhay 3alaya ya Ommi. Every voice that ever empowered yours, every right I took away from you. Every decision I ever disobeyed, and every tear I ever caused, Aghfirili ya Ommi.

Ya Ommi, I beg you to give me an opportunity to kiss your feet. If not, let me touch them at least. Ya Ommi, you must promise me that if you ever felt your rights were ever taken away from me, grant me the 70 excuses that I don’t deserve, for It was never my intention. I keep repeating every ayat in the quran that are attributed to you, to remind me that you are heaven, and your heart is the key. Everything I do is for His sake, and every wrong I commit, even if at that moment I don’t realize, hiding behind the 4 walls I weep.

You might not realize that it’s a struggle for me to perfect everything I do, I am a Fitnah for you. Just bear with me, Allah will reward you. The patience that’s long overdue, forgive me. Ya Ommi, the rest are hidden within, reserved in a heart, for only Allah knows....

But in the end of time, when you see me struggling with shackles around my neck, hands and feet. When you see me moaning with blood running on my check. When you see me at the edge of the hell fire, Irdhay 3alaya ya Ommi.

Grasping the Rope...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Beautiful it is when one trains their body and soul to the ways of the Prophet (S). Ecstatic one feels when one does so without the evil rebuttal within one’s mind that leads them to laziness. Once one shuts this window of whispers, one starts committing good; and the way to the good becomes ever so easy. Everything becomes ever so beautiful, and the soul becomes ecstatic with happiness. This ecstasy is your heart expressing the true love of Allah, when it restraints its desires to only submit in 3ibada.

To achieve this state, to some it takes days, some few weeks, and to the rest takes months. Months of ups and downs, a roller coaster of redundant sins that seems sticky’d to your soul. However, one must not give up, for the rope of Allah starts from a thin thread to a heavy dutty roap that will never let you go. The point is there will always be Allah’s hand stretched out to you, but it’s your choice to reconnect and strengthen that connection to receive the outmost aid from Allah 3aza wa Jal.

Allah Made this concept clear through the Prophet (s) ina Hadeeth saying:

“ The most beloved thing with which My slave may come close to me

is that which I have made obligatory (Fard) on him.

My servant will continue to come closer to me by voluntary acts
(of worship) until I love him. If I love him, I will be his hearing by which he hears,
his sight by which he sees, his hand by which he grasps, and his foot by which he
walks. If he asks Me anything I would give it and if he seeks refuge in Me I would
protect him.”
Sahih al-Bukhari
vol.8, p.336-7, no.509

Adhering to the obligations is the state where one struggles. However, one aids this achievement by captivating every chance to perform a Sunna. This trains the body, for the minimum (obligatory) will subconsciously feel so light and easy to do. Sub7anaAllah.

Allah Subahanahu wa ta3ala gave us a way, a one way street to heaven. How? The ways of the Prophet. He, 3aza wa Jal, sent down the Prophet to be exemplary for us, to be a Goal to achieve, in both manners and the way to worship Allah. Allah 3aza wa jal emphasized this by saying

“Say, if you love Allaah, follow Me (Muhammad) and Allaah will love you.”

Surah Al-Imran 3:31

By Allah, the heart that longs for the true Peace and Love for their Lord whole heartedly, will find tranquility in its Journey. By Allah, I never dreamt that I will, for even a moment, be dwelt in this state. The state where in my heart, I have reached a beginning to a never ending journey: Build a strong foundation, assemble the spiritual pillars, and cover it with pure intention, to be my castle in heaven. Ameen

State of Ghafla...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

I'm slowly relieving myself from this state of Ghafla.....Lest we forget, Allah is always there, waiting for us to call onto Him.... Lest we forget, there is a Book full of words of wisdom to contemplate on.... Lest we forget, there are things that we may love but indeed are bad for us, and things that we hate but indeed are good for us.... Lest we forget, we know not, for Allah is All Knower, let He guide us through a path that leads to heaven... Lest we forget!

At the state where your troubles are choking you, and all that comes out with the tears is a “why?”… and you start the deliberations with your Lord, admitting to every wrongfull step, to things that you may never intended to go astray…. And beg to relieve you of your sins…the realization that if you were to die tonight, you may never make it far but drenched in the Hell forever….that realization murders you…

..then that sudden silence, as if time stopped. where your breath becomes so calm, and the heart beat regulates… just stairing at the qibla… as if something is holding you, protecting you, that sense of relief… as if your questions and worries are being answered, and you are not to worry… as long as you return to Him, He will hold you, protect you, and guide you. *sigh* Lest we forget...
---
"Knowledge is the spirit that saves the heart from the death of ignorance; it is the light that saves it from the darkness of iniquity. The hearts of the iniquitous are dead because they are oblivious to God, and the hearts of the heedless (Ghafla) are sick because they ignore His commandments."
-Abu Ali Thaqafi, "The Kashf al-Mahjub"

Pleading...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem



Serenading your words to filter out the joy from my sadness, for my heart is yours! I want to be serene, contemplating every word you set for me to follow. I want to be what you want me to be, for... I am not. At times I scream silently, where no one can hear…inside my mind, from the voice within. Other times, I dance to the song I fool myself with, the justification of the sins that seemed to amuse me. The self, so weak, and weaker it is when there isn’t anyone there to support me. The light shining bright, but I’m too blind to see. It is not my will anymore, for my will is silenced shut. Have I left my soft seclusion to be pricked with thorns? Why do I loose all the battles you set for me...?

Bloody New Years...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

The year folded with a sudden sting in our hearts. Among the many that survived, we witnessed their fellow brethrens struggling for their last breath. Some in pain and sorrow, and the rest standing so proud of their achievements: the humiliation of a nation into blood and tears.

It really wasn’t hard to predict, nor am I very surprised. It’s but interesting seeing the interference of the major countries upon the unnecessary debasement of certain leaders (Saddam Hussein from Iraq), and their wishes of all their hands to pull down the statue of power. Not that I don’t condemn viscous acts committed by vicious leaders, It’s rather interesting how each situation is judged and acted upon.

Every powerful nation is deaf to crucial cries resonating from the needy lives. Yet their concentration is directed where their selfish gains are guaranteed. Every boy and man battles this war with a peace scarf folded around their necks, peacefully chanting the words of freedom from the sidelines "Free Palestine!". Yet no one is there to listen.

If every girl gets stripped away from her right to live, she rather leave the date of her death as her remains; Thus, a more worthy to the foe. They own their fears when the Palestinians start fearing to die. Until then, they must encompass every person’s mind to start obeying and depending on them. That was the last stipulation of the Pharoah….and until the promised end to bloodshed arrives, we remain hopeless with our mashsaAllah muslim countries, striving with the word of god, not even lending a hand, nor a dua…

…yes, we are moving along to almost closing another decade, yet we have not emproved at all. Forcing God’s hand, the Christians believe, in order to aid and facilitate the coming of the messiah. While doing so, a whole nation of Israel is becoming the crib to this ideology that’s murdering the many “anti-christ-followers” muslims, who are cursed anyway.

And we are forced to sit and stare….

I’m forced to sit and stare. “Your voice will one day cause you to die” my elder has warned me, and banned me from ever holding a pali flag out in the streets. My heart is dying slowly as our rights are diminishing. Yes, it is merely leashing out my frustration at the world, and waving thy flag to be the remembrance in someone’s mind….one day, in the end of time, they will be asked, what have you done for your mother land?

On and on I try to bring awareness to this issue, since late 2004 when the Wall was built to separate children from parents, farmlands from owners, and hospitals from patients, etc. Even one dared to ask “what is this petition going to help?” … I’m not even sure about that one particular petition that I collected even made it out of my house, but I’m pretty sure that everyone that I encountered left with some sort of awareness about the situation in Palestine.

5 years later and still battling the same battles of ignorance among the nations… how far have we gone, in 2008? May this year (2009) be the climax and a turning point towards good things, inshaAllah.