A troubled post...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

This is going to be very long, but so are the thoughts in my head...They need to be released somehow, a better way when their is no one left to bear my voice. Your silence and smiles they rather, what am I talking about, no one will understand if I go further!

I hate being alone and bored. At any point in time, I need to either be doing something that interests me or be talking to someone. When neither are found, my thoughts will be like a spider web and i'm stuck in the middle...

30 min later

....Ok so i actually wrote a whole HUGE post rambling about my thoughts...but you know what, I got it out, I rather throw it out..cause i reached to a conclusion:

1. I left the "engineering" crowd to connect to my muslim brothers and sisters. However, going over to the eng few times have prooved otherwise, it reminded me of GOOD IT WAS OVER THERE. I have faced more fitnah amongst the muslim "library" crowd then I did with 99% male dominated environment. I rather take the latter anyday...thus, I will return to that environment that consists of: laid back boys who love WEIRD and funny conversations, at the same time, your getting work done!

2. My mind is troubled as it is, and to fill it in with one more worry, its only going to tip me over the edge. So I dont want to ever hear what ANYONE has to say about me. I dont want to hear any NEGATIVE shit that people construct within their filthy mouths, especially if they have filthy hearts and have a filthy perception towards me, yut they smile in front of me!

3. I want to feel empty again. Twice this week i empties myself complete. i want to feel light and worryless again... This might dip me into destruction, but man it is a craving that i crave most... only temporarily till I become weightless, i'll tell myself...

4. the rope of faith let me go and i'm fallling down...I know! so I dont need anyone to give me looks of dissapointment...just LEAVE ME ALONE! No one has any business with the eyeliner in my eyes! or what consists of my "bad habits"...

5. I hate planning, hoping, dreaming, talking, trusting, becoming....i hate all that now! God, i rather slide a sharp knife over my throat then to hope for something that's going to lead to despair... notice how i used the word "Hate": yup, someone triggered this foreign emotion in me! ? It means you literally run out of 70+ excuses to be merely be indifferent towards them….yes, they pushed it over the edge…What happens when you hate someone? They become YOUR ENEMY! fucker

6. I will drive myself insane by my random thoughts...so i'm not going to think anymore. If something does not pass my way BLUNTLY, then i'll leave it. I should add "analyzing" in the 5th... . I hate spy games, telephone games, games period (except soccer games!) Although seems interesting, but I hate guessing games too. Ooo And Eye games, leave them to when there’s something established. What I dread now is the smile game…Ahhh the smile game. Smile game consist of a person that is holding something terribly against you, but they smile in front of you… yes, all these games fall under…what is it…HYPOCRACY!

7.....what's going to become of me, only Allah knows! but whatever it is, it can't be worse than this...or maybe it can...wohoo! can't wait...