Intimidated are we?

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

The pleasure of recognizing my flaws gave me an unusual sense of sensibility. I have yet to learn the art of tawbah, but with every return marks a promise made to the One that owns me.

It is quiet an unfortunate that your very own mind is debating whether to let the tears fall or let the happiness sound through. Should not the suitable moments be experienced: to laugh, to cry, to shout before a thorough scan who is around you?

I have built myself a comfort zone where all the temporary joy resides. An ecstasy to the eye; the very fruit that befell me. You think that your good self is riding on a mountain of righteousness, until their voices are heard. How a soul bears not the pain of discovering its innocence conflicted with the very words that accuse me.

A humble being I desire to be and still commit mistakes. I rather listen to those who complain about me and serenade my imperfections. I rather acknowledge that I know-not, rather than create myself a name which I can’t live by.
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It is a rather an unfortunate that my voice cannot be heard due to their intimidations. A state which only prevails when their attitude becomes awkward: eyes staring straight beyond your shoulder, and talking in sentences that composes not of adjectives or pronouns, merely Verbs and Nouns. I must not say, but it is frightening when the moment my eyes feel ashamed for even looking straight and seeing my reflection which they witness not.

My real name gets lost between their perceptions. Is there any harm when being in a dialogue that forces your intellect to be tested; yet, your thoughts are blasphemous when answering to an opposite gender's remarks.

When a dialogue between three or four opposite to my gender got in a political discussion, I felt hesitant to stand there and listen and maybe give my feedback…. I FELT HESITANT. However, when it was lecture about the “economic crisis”, and few elder men stayed behind with the speaker to talk about tangent topics, I and another “sister” stayed behind and attended. Even some Uncles were astonished, but they gave us our time to speak and listened.

The real question:
Is it really the intimidation that causes us to “be quiet”? is any of the blame due to our level of self confidence? or also due to our muslim society's perception and expection of women's voice vs haya'?

But really, how come I can converse and criticize naturally with certain muslims, and not the rest? So it must of somewhat been affected by this sense of “intimidation”, in my opinion. But my opinion is flawed, due to my nature of extraversion, and partially due to being "neutralized" from the many years residing in the corner of a "man field" (engineering). Thus, i became acquainted and comfortable not only with the opposite gender, but to all ethnicity and backgrounds. (positives and negatives)....flawed and biased, and the quest to the right islamic standpoint begins...

Wa Allahu A3lam.

These are but one day's thoughts, and I pray to Allah to guide me to the right way. For I dont know if my reasonings are sound, for I'm not at a state to even reason my religion. Sincerely I will seek the truth, whatever it may be, and whatever it is, I must abide by it. inshaAllah

…
But I rather dream of my meeting with my lord, then to assemble myself a reality, a PRISON where no answers reside, in this dunya.