*shocked*

Bismi ALlahi AlRaheem AlRaheem,

I am... just ....shocked!

innocense turns into a blasphemous talk, but whom the One that holds the souls, protect my soul in whose hands it is being ripped..... my reputation, all because I lowered my heart's shield!
----
A foggy afternoon turns to a cold night,
As I’m walking on my path to discover,
Such truth that compressed my mind
And made such unbeautiful thoughts.
I come across a door, not knowing where it leads
so I enter, a heartbeat as fast as a lightning.
A woman, her hands covering her face
Is she crying? Or pleading in a prayer!
She looks at me and directs me to a chair
Trembling voice utters a soft noise
“Be not afraid, a bothered smile parades your face
Speak of what confirms my predicted sense.”
I’m lost in a world where I thought I knew its way,
It lead me to believe that I’m in the right path,
Certain times I can justify its happenings,
But at times, confusion wraps around my certainties.
I’m scared, afraid if such world is a lie
Beautified for my eyes to see.
The sun rises as I witness its radiance
Shine upon the face that is waiting to realize.
A turn in any direction might lead me in a trench
I will be stuck there for days, but I won’t fight
Thinking it was my destiny, and I have no say
accept everything that’s put upon me.
And here I am, now upon your doors
I came about with no realization of such confusion
Is it the lack of faith that stumbles me so low?
Or has the degree of my patience depleted as such
“you are lost in a path, faith is not what you lack
Your patience is still in tact, but scared of its depletion
The walls in your world are closing in, as so you feel
But your strength is beyond telling, so hold so tight dear….
…Your fear is that change will not take effect
As so I know you want to move on,
But I wonder what’s hidden beneath your skin
The secrets you choose not to reveal….
…You speak to me in riddles; I speak to you in words
As your eyes are hurt of what you saw,
and your still hurt of the lies you heard,
And your voice is shaky of what you conceal
So your body aches to breathe a breath…
…so liberate your inhibitions and compromise your thoughts
Is it that you lack the control of such life
Or you bare not the hidden design to your destiny,
Accused of being and not being, so hold so tight dear…
The weights on your shoulders are soon to be lifted,
Your hands are soon to be held,
By the one that embraces your truth
and reach to you beyond your expectations…”

...not even for a blink of an eye!

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

I’m inclined to let out the most sought-after sigh, It will surely not be easy. Ya Allah, do not leave me by myself even for a blink of an eye. I want to be alone, only you by my side.

At the end of today, I had a general outlook of a how this semester is going to be like, and how will it be spent: 5th floor cornering my thoughts and leaving room for Physics 2 and 3 other engineering classes, while my nights are to be pondering on the 4 Islamic studies courses. That means I have to go through a major prioritization stage, something that I lacked last semester….

At times I feel like I want the rest of my life be written in a scroll handed to me on a silver platter, NOW! I just want to know that everything will be ok in the end. Throughout this whole journey, all the right decision will be made and no regrets to linger on. I just want to know who I will be spending the rest of my life with and if I’m going to be happy. I just want to know, that in the end, I will be exiting this world with my book handed to me from my right, and entering the gates of Jannah! This suspicion is killing me, ya Allah, its just too much, for I’m weak. These thoughts wrap around me everytime I’m alone... that’s why I can’t be alone, not even for a blink of an eye. *sigh*

24 hours: OVER full time...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

So today I embarked into a long journey...studying islam (IOU). This, plus my last year at my secular studies, Industrial Engineer. together, 12 hrs each= 24 hours.....oh Lord, how can I do it... but I will inshaAllah.

In the next paragraphs, i'll be posting some information regarding the islamic classes and links, that if one wished, one could find usefull if one wants to study and gain more knowledge inshaAllah.

Aqeeda 1: we are studying from (linked)
- Bilal Philip's The Fundamental of Tawheed
- Ibn Taymiyah's Kitaab el-Imaan
Quran and Tajweed 1:
- Memorize Juz 26
- Recitation and tajweed of the last 4th of the quran.
Ulum el Quran 1:
-Bilal Philip's Usul el-Tafseer
- Ahmad Von Denffer's 'Ulum el-Quran (trans)
Fiqh I:
-Salih Al-Fawzan, A Summary of Islamic Jurisprudence, vol. 1

All I need is to keep myself busy...and this is the best way inshaAllah.

I took an awsome class in the Winter break, Fundamental of Islamic studies with Bilal Philips, which was amazing I have to say. Although I have to conclude this break with a teary SMILE, I am really content on how I used these 4 weeks. I managed to revert my sleeping habits, and yes, I am a Night OWel again!.....I seem to never miss FAJR anymore... Alhamdoulilah.

You are Heaven, and your heart is the key... (ya ommi)

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

In the end of time, when you see me struggling with shackles around my neck, hands and feet. When you see me moaning with blood running on my cheek. When you see me at the edge of the hell fire, Irdhay 3alaya ya Ommi. Every voice that ever empowered yours, every right I took away from you. Every decision I ever disobeyed, and every tear I ever caused, Aghfirili ya Ommi.

Ya Ommi, I beg you to give me an opportunity to kiss your feet. If not, let me touch them at least. Ya Ommi, you must promise me that if you ever felt your rights were ever taken away from me, grant me the 70 excuses that I don’t deserve, for It was never my intention. I keep repeating every ayat in the quran that are attributed to you, to remind me that you are heaven, and your heart is the key. Everything I do is for His sake, and every wrong I commit, even if at that moment I don’t realize, hiding behind the 4 walls I weep.

You might not realize that it’s a struggle for me to perfect everything I do, I am a Fitnah for you. Just bear with me, Allah will reward you. The patience that’s long overdue, forgive me. Ya Ommi, the rest are hidden within, reserved in a heart, for only Allah knows....

But in the end of time, when you see me struggling with shackles around my neck, hands and feet. When you see me moaning with blood running on my check. When you see me at the edge of the hell fire, Irdhay 3alaya ya Ommi.

Grasping the Rope...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Beautiful it is when one trains their body and soul to the ways of the Prophet (S). Ecstatic one feels when one does so without the evil rebuttal within one’s mind that leads them to laziness. Once one shuts this window of whispers, one starts committing good; and the way to the good becomes ever so easy. Everything becomes ever so beautiful, and the soul becomes ecstatic with happiness. This ecstasy is your heart expressing the true love of Allah, when it restraints its desires to only submit in 3ibada.

To achieve this state, to some it takes days, some few weeks, and to the rest takes months. Months of ups and downs, a roller coaster of redundant sins that seems sticky’d to your soul. However, one must not give up, for the rope of Allah starts from a thin thread to a heavy dutty roap that will never let you go. The point is there will always be Allah’s hand stretched out to you, but it’s your choice to reconnect and strengthen that connection to receive the outmost aid from Allah 3aza wa Jal.

Allah Made this concept clear through the Prophet (s) ina Hadeeth saying:

“ The most beloved thing with which My slave may come close to me

is that which I have made obligatory (Fard) on him.

My servant will continue to come closer to me by voluntary acts
(of worship) until I love him. If I love him, I will be his hearing by which he hears,
his sight by which he sees, his hand by which he grasps, and his foot by which he
walks. If he asks Me anything I would give it and if he seeks refuge in Me I would
protect him.”
Sahih al-Bukhari
vol.8, p.336-7, no.509

Adhering to the obligations is the state where one struggles. However, one aids this achievement by captivating every chance to perform a Sunna. This trains the body, for the minimum (obligatory) will subconsciously feel so light and easy to do. Sub7anaAllah.

Allah Subahanahu wa ta3ala gave us a way, a one way street to heaven. How? The ways of the Prophet. He, 3aza wa Jal, sent down the Prophet to be exemplary for us, to be a Goal to achieve, in both manners and the way to worship Allah. Allah 3aza wa jal emphasized this by saying

“Say, if you love Allaah, follow Me (Muhammad) and Allaah will love you.”

Surah Al-Imran 3:31

By Allah, the heart that longs for the true Peace and Love for their Lord whole heartedly, will find tranquility in its Journey. By Allah, I never dreamt that I will, for even a moment, be dwelt in this state. The state where in my heart, I have reached a beginning to a never ending journey: Build a strong foundation, assemble the spiritual pillars, and cover it with pure intention, to be my castle in heaven. Ameen

State of Ghafla...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

I'm slowly relieving myself from this state of Ghafla.....Lest we forget, Allah is always there, waiting for us to call onto Him.... Lest we forget, there is a Book full of words of wisdom to contemplate on.... Lest we forget, there are things that we may love but indeed are bad for us, and things that we hate but indeed are good for us.... Lest we forget, we know not, for Allah is All Knower, let He guide us through a path that leads to heaven... Lest we forget!

At the state where your troubles are choking you, and all that comes out with the tears is a “why?”… and you start the deliberations with your Lord, admitting to every wrongfull step, to things that you may never intended to go astray…. And beg to relieve you of your sins…the realization that if you were to die tonight, you may never make it far but drenched in the Hell forever….that realization murders you…

..then that sudden silence, as if time stopped. where your breath becomes so calm, and the heart beat regulates… just stairing at the qibla… as if something is holding you, protecting you, that sense of relief… as if your questions and worries are being answered, and you are not to worry… as long as you return to Him, He will hold you, protect you, and guide you. *sigh* Lest we forget...
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"Knowledge is the spirit that saves the heart from the death of ignorance; it is the light that saves it from the darkness of iniquity. The hearts of the iniquitous are dead because they are oblivious to God, and the hearts of the heedless (Ghafla) are sick because they ignore His commandments."
-Abu Ali Thaqafi, "The Kashf al-Mahjub"

Pleading...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem



Serenading your words to filter out the joy from my sadness, for my heart is yours! I want to be serene, contemplating every word you set for me to follow. I want to be what you want me to be, for... I am not. At times I scream silently, where no one can hear…inside my mind, from the voice within. Other times, I dance to the song I fool myself with, the justification of the sins that seemed to amuse me. The self, so weak, and weaker it is when there isn’t anyone there to support me. The light shining bright, but I’m too blind to see. It is not my will anymore, for my will is silenced shut. Have I left my soft seclusion to be pricked with thorns? Why do I loose all the battles you set for me...?