Fate and Spears…will they ever coincide!

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Close them eyes and take a deep breath,
The world you once painted has changed colors
The blue turned to violet and the grey shades you dark
The rain leaked through you path and made it disappear…
Fate and Spears…will they ever coincide!
Don’t you believe…..that God can make anything happen?
At times I seem to loose my train of thought
I forget my past and run back into whatever hurt
I am going to wait and weigh it out…
For the heart can fool the eyes once more…

Untangle the fingers that kept on counting
The moments I disappeared in your memories
Snuggle under the last softest thing I own
And blur the vision I seemed to envision…
I don’t want you to practice on my heart.
I don’t want to be a silly mistake or a random memory
A passing time or a backup just in case…
I mend then I’ll break..so I’ll shield my rose
And grow some thorns, before its too late!

I think I’ve fallen…in between your fingers
The rope that was wrapped around my throat
Has entangled and let go and left me in a wide open space!
The truth was shown in your eyes,
And made my eyes forgive its lies…
When they were closed shut trying to hide
The wisdom within, and its unfortunate times
And the reflected heart… swallowed within
So I’ll close them eyes and take a deep breath
I am going to wait and weigh it out…
For the heart can fool the eyes once more…

~*MISHT*~

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

MIST memories:

*Snort * Library infested by Mist people * the Slice machine and Badges * Hamza: "Do not touch this computer or else Basheer will...!" ...Affaf: "I TOUCHED IT"* Tahar: "i'm the only one with hundreds of Highschoolers, where are yall?" * getting swormed by 75 volunteers NEEDING their badges * The Window * Ze Boorgers and ze pitzas* 2ambreen's hoodie and the LAUGH ATTACK* "put yall's pennies in ze jar" * some random guy: "the bandana's look nice, I think it's your feminine touch!!!!" * A Volunteer: "PLEASE please let me be a moderatorrrrrrrr* Mahad: "tell Hani that i'm volunteering..TELL HIM" ...Affaf: "No Hani, you can use him NOW, he is volunteering for another 45 min...EVIL LAUGH" ....Mahad: "OH MANNN..." lollol * 2ambreen's 99cent Scarf * Amina's Sisterly message * Raheel's LOGISTICS chair * Raheel: "Are YOUU charging YOUR PHONE on my computer???!?!?!?" * the 3 muskateers picking up 45 pizza boxes and the 10 CENT CHANGE! * Shariq: OH MAN...DID U HEAR THAT! lol* "Hamza, its ok, i know the box is TOO heavy for you" * The Brother's section * The sister's section and Hamza's personal PM lol * "i BELIEVE I can make it" * Downtown in 0 degree weather trying to find Kinko's * HILTON and the sleepy couple* safiya falling asleep on the computer for 15 min * lolololololol * Libi's popped out veins * Memorial's entrace * "what happened to the pizzaaaaaa...ahhhhh" * SAFIYAAAAAAA, THEY WANT YOU * "your from nationals, then I MUST sit on a CHAIR!"

... then I missed sunday!

I loved MIST 2009! MIST 2010 anyone!? ....talk to me in few weeks

NOT "Swallowed by the Sea..."

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem...

"You cut me down a tree, And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see, Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf, And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself, You can only blame me

And I could write a song, A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong, And you belong with me
And I could write it down, Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found, Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line, And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I, Decided to go to see you
You cut me down to size, And opened up my eyes
Made me realize, What I could not see

And I could write a book, The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took, It took it back from me
And I could write it down, Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found, And you'll come back to me
...............Not swallowed in the sea

And I could write a song, A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong, And you belong with me
The streets you're walking on, A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong, And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live, With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive, Not loving all you see
You belong with me, Not swallowed in the sea" -CP

The Sea of Lies...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

As I was reading Surat Isra2, I came upon some verses that really fit into the shoes that i'm standing in, the road that i'm taking, and the questions that I'm answering:

"Your Lord is He Who drives the ship for you through the sea,

in order that you may seek of His Bounty.

Truly! He is Ever Most Merciful towards you.

And when harm touches you upon the sea,

those that you call upon vanish from you except Him (Allâh Alone).
But when He brings you safe to land,
you turn away (from Him).
And man is ever ungrateful[].
Do you then feel secure that He will not
cause a side of the land to swallow you up,
or that He will not send against you a violent sand-storm?

Then, you shall find no Wakîl

(guardian— one to guard you from the

torment).

Or do you feel secure that He

will not send you back a second time to sea

and send against you a hurricane of wind

and drown you because of your disbelief?

Then you will not find any avenger therein against Us."

65-69

Its funny, cause you can take these few ayats literally, or decompose them to mean something in your life...especially reading it in arabic.

You are on the ship on the wild sea, as in Fitnah. Allah guides the ship, as in DESTINY. The sea becomes so wild and thundering, Fitnah arise within the waves and so violently it tries to take over your ship, your life. And who will you find to help you...you in the middle of no where, in the middle of darkeness. Your balance is gone and your left tembling from edge to edge, holding on to anything in front of you. At times, you swallow the water from the sea and you think its over...Who will help you?

You realize the eyes are looking up on the sky, looking so desperately, and the heart is screaming Allah, the only one that will hear, the only one that will respond, the only one there to hear your inner voice. Allah will respond to the desperate call. That very second the waves of the seas calm and get beautified. The sun rises from its chest, and the birds flying atop making a beautiful dance. Everything ever so peacefull, by Allah's will. Then what?

"Ok so that's over with"... you return to the same state you started from before you set foot on the ship. you become ever so ungratful. So now that you passed this wild Sea storm, are you secure that something greater will not occur? to test you once more so you will realize WHO IS YOUR LORD? or are you secure that the same won't happen, but this time, HE WILL NOT RESPONDE to your desperation and despair. This time, he will let you drown?

wow. That right there....HIT HOME! I must get away from what is drowning me. Alhamdoulillah, today was the first day sticking to my resolutions of my previous post...and..
I FEEL GOOD! taratarara....I KNOW THAT I WOULD NOW! I FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL GOOODDDDDDD! ....SO GOOD...TATA...SO GOOD....! ALHAMDOULILLAH...

see ya suckers!

ok no seriously. ALHAMDOULILLAH!

A troubled post...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

This is going to be very long, but so are the thoughts in my head...They need to be released somehow, a better way when their is no one left to bear my voice. Your silence and smiles they rather, what am I talking about, no one will understand if I go further!

I hate being alone and bored. At any point in time, I need to either be doing something that interests me or be talking to someone. When neither are found, my thoughts will be like a spider web and i'm stuck in the middle...

30 min later

....Ok so i actually wrote a whole HUGE post rambling about my thoughts...but you know what, I got it out, I rather throw it out..cause i reached to a conclusion:

1. I left the "engineering" crowd to connect to my muslim brothers and sisters. However, going over to the eng few times have prooved otherwise, it reminded me of GOOD IT WAS OVER THERE. I have faced more fitnah amongst the muslim "library" crowd then I did with 99% male dominated environment. I rather take the latter anyday...thus, I will return to that environment that consists of: laid back boys who love WEIRD and funny conversations, at the same time, your getting work done!

2. My mind is troubled as it is, and to fill it in with one more worry, its only going to tip me over the edge. So I dont want to ever hear what ANYONE has to say about me. I dont want to hear any NEGATIVE shit that people construct within their filthy mouths, especially if they have filthy hearts and have a filthy perception towards me, yut they smile in front of me!

3. I want to feel empty again. Twice this week i empties myself complete. i want to feel light and worryless again... This might dip me into destruction, but man it is a craving that i crave most... only temporarily till I become weightless, i'll tell myself...

4. the rope of faith let me go and i'm fallling down...I know! so I dont need anyone to give me looks of dissapointment...just LEAVE ME ALONE! No one has any business with the eyeliner in my eyes! or what consists of my "bad habits"...

5. I hate planning, hoping, dreaming, talking, trusting, becoming....i hate all that now! God, i rather slide a sharp knife over my throat then to hope for something that's going to lead to despair... notice how i used the word "Hate": yup, someone triggered this foreign emotion in me! ? It means you literally run out of 70+ excuses to be merely be indifferent towards them….yes, they pushed it over the edge…What happens when you hate someone? They become YOUR ENEMY! fucker

6. I will drive myself insane by my random thoughts...so i'm not going to think anymore. If something does not pass my way BLUNTLY, then i'll leave it. I should add "analyzing" in the 5th... . I hate spy games, telephone games, games period (except soccer games!) Although seems interesting, but I hate guessing games too. Ooo And Eye games, leave them to when there’s something established. What I dread now is the smile game…Ahhh the smile game. Smile game consist of a person that is holding something terribly against you, but they smile in front of you… yes, all these games fall under…what is it…HYPOCRACY!

7.....what's going to become of me, only Allah knows! but whatever it is, it can't be worse than this...or maybe it can...wohoo! can't wait...

What a dream....

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Midst of night, lying awake listening to a calling
hearing a voice: footsteps of wind crawling
my thoughts, around a wonder circling
These happenings are new to me, I must hide my face

The wind gusting through, made the fire flaming
Do not let the knees weaken, this shadow soon to be leaving
What has entered this sheltered heart and sent it beating
This is where strength and fear collide in one place
---
The mirrored eyes understood without even speaking
One glance fires you up inside, you feel like dying
The passion, how to close the port and watch the boat sinking
Take me with you, through the journey of roses to a place:

Birds singing the melodies of our hearts beating
The clouds clustering, the shape of our hearts their painting
The ocean separates, to a far away land leading
Along the matching predestined footsteps, like a maze
---
…….Then you wake up, everything dying
You pick up the pieces that were but reminding
In between mountains, the dead hope surging
And the rivers that swore to make the oceans rage

Merely from the drops of rain, the eyes of the 7 skies merging
Heal me by love, so that the past can forget me, even temporarily
The wounds are eating away the flesh of my soul, competing
To the end, Their almost draining the last drop to form my base.
---
My birds freezing at my door broken winged bleeding
To heal me, all night on his feet singing
My heart bearing, its weakness fighting
Melting inside the little hope I had, am falling from grace

I didn’t see in your eyes the reason for me to keep holding
For my return I was searching, but for my departure its screaming
My words within your tear drops falling
To the past, I will remain as a closed case.

Horizon...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

I was ready to let it out, the very breath that inhibited my thoughts to surrender…that constrained my mind and tangled it all around. I was ready to walk slowly and take my time. I was ready to accept what my hands have let and accept it was but a dream waiting to be let out…

I was ready… I laid my dying corpse on the green grass bordering the water ready to let it all out. All my eyes can see is the blue sky shinning back at me, but all I was shinning back was a dark cloud thundering. I closed my eyes to disappear from these killing thoughts and I dozed off to a 2 sec sleep. I didn’t alow myself, never will I alow myself to dream again….Never!

I sat up, legs curled underneath, trying to unravel the knot that makes up my mind, trying to make up a thought. I couldn’t, everything that came out was a frozen face, quenched eye brows inflicting a horrible headache inbetween my eyes. I was…In Pain!

Ah..I must return to the Lord, since I learned to him we shall return. I threw my high heels inside my backpack and walked with nothing but socks…I wanted to feel the ground crush at my footsteps, I wanted to feel the life in between my toes, I wanted to feel the weight against my shoulders, I wanted to go back to my roots, in prostration I’ll reside forever I wish to end…

Walking along the corners till I reached the doors of the “Holly” building. I perfected my wudoo and along the stairs I led my soul to utter Allah’s name once more… I prayed 2 raka’s of despair!

I grabbed a Quran and intended to go back to the river of fate once more. Coming down the stairs then I hear “Heyyyy…. Do you know if people pray here” yelled in an Indonesian accent. I turned around, I see this foreign Indonesian boy against the balcony. I said “well, they usually pray at the basemement of the library…I can take you and show you!” … he responded “I would appreciate that!”.

Along the wonderful walk towards the library (where hell broke loose), he introduced his name (Jefry) and that he goes to HCC but only comes here to pray. He is majoring in Journalism, and only been here for 2 years. He said that he wishes to see the Muslims, but he always ends up praying alone at the religion building.

I introduced him to some of my friends and lead him to the basement. Showed him where the qibla. His look on his face as if he finally had found his perfect serene place. What others have taken for granted as “ze basement”, to him as if he discovered his most missed memories from Indonesia, the gather of muslim brothers and sisters.

I grabbed my quran and made my way towards the fountains once more, I had made the intent that I will read till the sunset, and that’s what I shall do. As I was walking, I found that a boy was sitting on “my” bench reading the bible and contemplating on the serene colors of the horizon, the beautiful pink, orange, purple waves on the skies…

I sat on the bench next to his, opened my quran to surat “Israa’” and read ever so slowly with tajweed, and watched the sun dissapear into nothingness, behind the far away tree, only the orange light shinning back at me, and the words of quran are lighting the path back…

I hurried back to the basement and caught the last rak’a to Jama’a prayer for maghrib…. ALhamdoulillah