Thursday, February 26, 2009

Closer to the end...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

I want to calm my storms, and silent my cries. I want to pull out what’s stinging me inside! I want to disappear behind a curtain, I want to be everything yet nothing at all. It is going to take days longer then I thought, but everyday a decision will be made to get me closer…closer to the end. I must be alone, alone to handle what’s put in front of me, for no one will understand!

A particle I wish to be, invisible from the red eyes. Concentrate on what’s meant to heal me, rather then my wishes and lies. Far away I wish to remain beautified by see through walls; locked from within, Forever I will reside.

Hope remains when the eyes rest, when the soul delves in a dream, but there it should remain, because I’m a nightmare that should never be dreamt, within a bitter sweet seclusion inside this repulsive temple.. The floor and the sky are connected by rain drops, falling down and so I will be rinsed. Rinsed of what my hands have let, and my heart has failed again…

Everything must be taken away, it’s a repetitive motion that my life seemed to get used to. I wonder what promises in the end… I failed my heart, I must not fail my Soul!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Let me be...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

the memories of yesterday are being propeled in a constant rate, all to punish my heart for ever feeling, and this presents itself with the best incentive to never feel again....

When your intentions were so pure to begin with, but they got raped by another's interpretations, and you think to youself: Is it me? or is there a great reason for it all?

I'm at excuse number 69, I'm literally hanging by a thread. This will tip over by one more push, my patience is being depleted by every sound that crazes the situation.

What was an innocent interest done through the holy way, became a sweet talk amongst everyones lips: who are you and what have you done to my heart?

Who's reputation are you trying to protect? It surely is not mine. Because if my repuation was the key here, then the problem should have been addressed to ME, rather then every other random person that barely knows me. That is, if my reputation was truly at stake here.

But I dont think so. I like to believe so, but i doubt it. I think that intentions got fooled by everyone's thoughts, and here you are trying but your only harming yourself. In the end, the truth will tell itself, and the true intentions will crawl out of the heart and reveal itself...

i'll be waiting for that moment, it won't be now! You will only receive my dua's of forgiveness, I hope that you can let go of me to let me be....

Saturday, February 21, 2009

More Gems from Shepherd's Path...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem,

(These are tentative live notes....needs to be edited; nevertheless, the speach today was AMAZING...spiritually uplifting)

Even if people lost hope, you don’t loose hope with them.

Few lessons:

- We should always have hope, no matter what situation. The greatest sin is shirk of Allah, and feeling secure in punishment, and giving up in mercy of Allah swt. Once the ball starts rolling the right way, it can happen very quickly, change will happen very quickly

- Hijrah: leave sins for the sake of Allah. “a muslim is whom are safe from the hands and their tongue. The one that makes hijrah, leaves for Allah from things that are forbidden.

- Reward of the hijrah, all his previous sins will be wiped out. “in times of hardship, when making 3ibadah, is like making hijrah to mohammed s” the greater the hardship, the greater the reward. Burning coal is what leads to paradise.

You always in a state of dawah, even the little things that you do. You never know what affects someone and when it hits them. Maybe you get their attention through the use of “bismiAllah”

First thing that mo(s) said

“oh people, spread the salams,

“the binning to your journey of paradise starts with a salam.

Sign of judgment, is that person who gives salam ONLY if he needs something

At times, the sahaba when a tree separated, they renew their salam

Always make extra and give to your neighbors and friends…

If your not expecting a gift, any gift is a diamond ring.

3 major things :

1. Establish masjid

2. Establish brotherhood

3. Rules/Regulations; constitution of madine

The camel was left to roam, it went to two orphans place and sat there. Wherever the camel sat, then that’s where he will establish his start. Orphan has not reached the age of puberty; his wealth is his! The orphans wanted to give the land to Mo(s), but mo(s) wanted to PAY FOR IT. As an orphan, your wealth can’t be given away without prior approval (although it’s the oraphan’s full property)

This place was a graveyard…mo(s) ordered all the bones to be moved, and planted trees. And the masjid was about to be built.

As a leader, you let them do their specialty

Mo(s) told ammar that he will be killed by tresgresors, and his last drink was milk. Ammar died when he was fighting with Ali against mu3awiya. This is the proof that Ali was in the right side.

Manners are a great pillar in our etiquettes toward learning and practicing islam. Just like previous companions, one doesn’t need daleel to learn or have manners.

Mo(s) didn’t want a bad breath (not eat garlic) because he didn’t want a bad breath for Jibreel, because he doesn’t know when jabreel comes to him.

When you love someone, you want to like what they like, talk the way they talk, want what they want. If you truly love someone, you emulate them.

When you look at a masjid, its not its exterior look, but the interior activities that go on inside the masjid. A place for worship/education/social gatherings/play/poor/dermatory/dawah/army/ a place to keep the prisoners (as a form of dawah).

Love for the sake of Allah, is when you want for people to come close to allah, and nothing for yourself. This is the GREATEST love. Doing something for your spouse, treat them kindly, give them their rights, but don’t seek anything in recompense. And if it comes UNEXPECTEDLY, you will be more appreciative. In this mindset, you will always be nice and kind to your spouse. Even though she’s angry, don’t return the anger, be patient. If you put this between your family, between your mother…always return the goodness, and hide the anger.

To be continued...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Tender my heart....

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

Day 2

A meteorite landed on earth... Is it the beginning of the end?

When a breath stumbles to enter my throat, when my heart refuses to beat one more, when its all over, where will I go? how will I receive thee?

The news reports that a football sized meteorite his home, Do you know what happened to my body? It stopped functioning. Do you know what ran into my head? fear. Eyes widened and heart pumped harder then ever before....Its over, and I know its over, but this just hit home.

If I died at this moment, where will I go? Heaven or Hell.

Lets be truthful to ourselves, lets be honest and be real...Am I deserving of Janna right here and then? Am I satisfied of my actions and good deeds; rather, AM I GUARANTEED? Absolutely guaranteed that I will enter thee?

YA Allah....

Everything is coming to me as signs, all I needed was to open my eyes, and not only that, but to also tender my heart to feel, to let it hit the core of my soul!

The khutba today did just that. after 10 min of ranting about our purpose of life, I found myself feeling nothing, its not making sense to me. I, within my breath, asked Allah to tender my heart and let me feel, let me accept his words, and let me ponder and follow these words....At that split second, I cried.

He asked: "The day when its all over, its here. Where do you stand?"

I knew. I knew where I'd be going, and if I didn't stand still firm on the ground, I will be amongst the losers. Within, I know whats within, a corrupted soul holding a corrupted heart. I know whats within, my deepest secrets and fears. No need to display, but the most important thing right at this moment, is that I got the chance to REALIZE...realize my inner faults and fears and get the chance to fix them. I know what's underneath now, no need to fool myself.

I know the sins i'm commiting, no need to say....I know what to do now, no need to cry
I know the one to turn to, no need to talk....I know what I want, no need to lie!
I know my past, no need to repeat...but I don't know my future, so no need to wait...

Finally, the word fitnah made sense to me , cause i'm climbed right on top of its head. Now its my decision to take, which direction to lead, whether the right road that leads to hell, or the left road that leads to heaven....Constantly at its head at ever corner, repeating the same situation in my head...IN A MAZE CALLED LIFE!!!! this maze would be so much easier if your hand in hand with your partner, climbing its hills, fighting its storms, and swimming its tides...that much easier. Because the most dangerous times are at the times when your alone, otherwise, your half is fulfilled, and are instilled with so much khushu3 to layer on the second half....

Ya Allah make me stronger, make me stronger, make me stronger to fight my inside and stand for the truth. Make me not of those that are blind and deaf, but among those that REALIZE and stand. Make me among the pious and the mutaqun, and instill in me KHUSHU3!
---
I Just started a journey to Heaven, taking babysteps towards a firmer ground, and building on from there inshaAllah. I made a plan:

Phase I: Repentence

Phase II: Iman [2weeks]

Phase III: Khushu3/Hereafter
Phase IV: Soul
Phase V: Heart
Phase VI: Manners
Phase VII: .....

......*sigh* ameen!


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Where is Allah when the heart is sealed! [contemplating Surah Baqara]

BismiAllah AlRahman AlRaheem

Day 1:

وَمِنَ ٱلنَّاسِ مَن يَقُولُ ءَامَنَّا بِٱللَّهِ وَبِٱلۡيَوۡمِ ٱلۡأَخِرِ وَمَا هُم بِمُؤۡمِنِينَ (٨) يُخَـٰدِعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَمَا يَخۡدَعُونَ إِلَّآ أَنفُسَهُمۡ وَمَا يَشۡعُرُونَ (٩) فِى قُلُوبِهِم مَّرَضٌ۬ فَزَادَهُمُ ٱللَّهُ مَرَضً۬ا‌ۖ وَلَهُمۡ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمُۢ بِمَا كَانُواْ يَكۡذِبُونَ (١٠)

And of mankind, there are some (hypocrites) who say: "We believe in Allâh and the Last Day" while in fact they believe not. (8) They (think to) deceive Allâh and those who believe, while they only deceive themselves, and perceive (it) not! (9) In their hearts is a disease (of doubt and hypocrisy) and Allâh has increased their disease. A painful torment is theirs because they used to tell lies. (10)
Surah Baqara

How much we love to testify with our words and mouths our love for Thy, and following the path of the beloved, Mohammed (S); yet, our hearts are oblivious! We separated our minds and hearts so much that they became two foreign lands. At times we choose to feel, and other times we choose to fear…But we seem to forget to intertwine the heart and the brain to perceive the direction that we direct our selves.

When life takes major turns, we run away to find a place of solitude, a place where we belong. Yet we forget to go back to our original form: dust locked in space binding and breaking to worship Allah, yes…we forget our purpose when we lock ourselves in the worries of this life.

Who shall we turn to in our times of distress? Our hearts say our beloved, and our minds say our Lord. But why can’t we just take a step back and think, why did Allah make a soul within a hollow shell? A soul that locks a mind and heart to use them both at the same time. So why do we choose to use one or the other when we want to, based on whims and desires?


كَيۡفَ تَكۡفُرُونَ بِٱللَّهِ وَڪُنتُمۡ أَمۡوَٲتً۬ا فَأَحۡيَـٰڪُمۡ‌ۖ ثُمَّ يُمِيتُكُمۡ ثُمَّ يُحۡيِيكُمۡ ثُمَّ إِلَيۡهِ تُرۡجَعُونَ

How can you disbelieve in Allâh? Seeing that you were dead and He gave you life. Then He will give you death, then again will bring you to life (on the Day of Resurrection) and then unto Him you will return.
Surah Baqara

Oh Allah, when we take the time to contemplate the creation and our selves within this wide space, we return to You, The originator of all plans. We tend to forgive our sins so fast, and think that Allah is doing the same. We tend to forgive and forget and move on. Yes, that’s what the hypocrits have taught us. But why do we live then? Is to remember our sins and to learn from them. Thus, there’s a fine line between forgiving and forgetting that we seem to get lost in. This is the crack of a dry land that we seem to fall in, and that’s why we fall in the same whole everytime we pass it by.

Allah always sets rewind to our lives and put us in the same path, to see if we learned from what WE say or think we've learned; yet we never learn, and fall in the same pits of the past. Sub7anaAllah.

We fools people, thinking we've got it made. HA! We don’t fool anyone but ourselves. Our hearts became dead, nourished by “nothingness”: music, useless words, uncontrollable laughters, unearned love, whims and desires. Throughout time, we harden our hearts so much that it becomes darkened by forgotten sins…and what do we become?

Our hands don’t shake when we make dua, they fall back behind until they are rested on our laps. Our eyes are torn out from our hearts, and never wheep, ONLY when we seem to fall behind. And where’s Allah within our minds? WHERE IS ALLAH?

We are the loosers. WE ARE THE LOOSERS, dammit. Allah did not loose us, we lost our selves. The love of Allah, the oft-Merciful, its because of his love that he holds on to you. He still, from his end, grabbing to the roap you took so long to find, to earn, so many tears just to grab on so tightly. Then we seem to forget and forgive ourselves so easily. And get lost….we are lost!

وَٱسۡتَعِينُواْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ وَٱلصَّلَوٰةِ‌ۚ وَإِنَّہَا لَكَبِيرَةٌ إِلَّا عَلَى ٱلۡخَـٰشِعِينَ (٤٥) ٱلَّذِينَ يَظُنُّونَ أَنَّہُم مُّلَـٰقُواْ رَبِّہِمۡ وَأَنَّهُمۡ إِلَيۡهِ رَٲجِعُونَ (٤٦)

And seek help in patience and As-Salât (the prayer) and truly it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khâshi'ûn [i.e. the true believers in Allâh - those who obey Allâh with full submission, fear much from His Punishment, and believe in His Promise (Paradise,) and in His Warnings (Hell, )]. (45) (They are those) who are certain that they are going to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are going to return.

Wrapped around our minds, faultered and corrupted, we loose ourselves into the wild abyss. We cup our tears and hold on to our fears, because that’s the only thing that seems to make sense. We got used to it all, because it keeps repeating itself. All the benches in the world will not hold you tight, all the rivers of the word will not store your tears, all the corners of the world will not store your fears, and all the hidden places in the world can not be trusted….. only in the nucleus of our hearts can we trust, where Allah resides!

Allah resides in our hearts, only ….ONLY IF WE PURIFY OUR HEARTS! If its still dark and dim, why do you think that Allah would want to reside in such a FILTHY HEART! Why do we fool ourselves?

Patience. Something that I thought I mastered, well thinking that since I havnt killed myself yet, then I must have patience. NOT! Patience is holding on to Allah at the times of happiness and distress, and never letting anything get in between your path to Janna! You kill every atom of satan that tries to enter your heart, and you purify….and keep purifying because it’s a never ending process.

Prayer. Something that I thought I mastered, well thinking that since I run to the Sajada evertime the adhan announces itself. NOT! Prayer is the want and need of Allah to hear your voice at the times of happiness and distress, and never letting the “I HAVE TO PRAY” have a path to your mind. And never letting other wants get in between your path to Janna! ONCE you think you HAVE TO PRAY, you must top yourself and think? Why do I have to pray? I DON’T HAVE TO ….REALLY! I can just hide in a dark place and no one will know…no.. YOU want to pray…you want to WANT to go to ONLY ALLAH AT EVERY TIME!

These two are the medicine of a broken heart, a broken soul, wingless bodies! For they remain lost in despair, in the thought that they’ve got it made. With these two, one can find KHUSHU3!

Khushu3: Those that always remain at their tippy toes, at the edge of the clif, think that at any point in time, they might fall down by Allah’s will… They always remain in a constant awareness that the next second might be their last, that the breath that’s taken might be their last, that it might be their last blink. Those “who are certain that they are going to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are going to return.”
----
I must take a stand. I must be strong. I must be patient. I must stand the test of time. I must comply by my lord's way, I must pray. I must ask for a path, where the heart gets purified, and so will my soul. I must do it by myself, for the first time, myself and my lord.
I must be alone, and corner my thoughts. I must hold my hands high and beg. BEG. I have met someone that made me realize what I want and what I need, that made me think back to what really matters, I have felt again, that made me be alive again! But now I must, have to meet my Lord in a place far far away. I have to TRUST IN HIM! trust him with my destiny, my soul, my heart, and everything in between!
I cannot get lost again. I cannot lose the sight of the goal....JANNAH!
I must disapear until I become firm again. I must! How can I handle another's heart when I my self am broken winged....

I HATE words...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

A thought constrained in my throat, tangled within my jugular vein, I tried to stop it before it made its way to my mind…and now my head hurts so much. I think I've failed again, I fail at everything...I hate words! I wish I can just sit there, and someone can figure out everything by a sight on my eyes, by mere silence... they can delve in beyond the layer that shields this smile! because I HATE WORDS when they can't describe it all...

I wish I can explain it all, I wish to have the reasons for it all…But I did my part, and now it’s left to undertake on its own...I unraveled all the mysteries, and took wide turns, without even thinking twice. Why do I seem to do this to myself, I always set myself on fire, and let my heart fuel it all... Why can't I just accept the facts, the facts that were inscribed to me before I was created....I don't need pity, I just want someone that would understand... but I can already see where my life is going... I seem to never learn from the past, repeat the same old story, keep pressing rewind. Ha...HA...HAAA.... Life is laughing back at me now!

I'm going to buy a ticket to the unknown, go up beyond the sky. I want to disappear, I am anything but a shinning star....I might be the stupidest person that ever lived on this planet kind of star, who wants that? I'm a thought out riddle, takes clever mind to understand.

But then again...

How can I describe this without using words:

[ I began as a lost molecule, stranded by a gush of wind into a lost land. All I saw were thorns, I should have known before I picked up the rose. I seemed to pull the petals, one by one, as the days passed by. Wondering, questioning, finding myself high by the strongest smell of the rose. All along, I found my rose petal'less, but I already bleeded out my veins by its thorns, already breathed in all its aroma...I was already gone!

I was let go to be handled by the direction of the wind, a direction that took a wide turn! All this time, I was oblivious, i kept on reassuring my lost rose that "no...I will never, it can't, Never will it"....Suddenly, I realized that time was going at the speed of sound, and I was already that gone...I found myself under a thundering sky, getting rained on...alone once more as I begain, a lost molecule, stranded by a gush of wind into a lost land. ]

This shall never stop, the circle of life! So inshaAllah, next time, my heart will be hardened to never feel, my soul will be weightless to never bear, and my mind....there's aspirin for that!

How can I be blamed when I’m being captivated
A restlessness sweeps through my eyes
I am trapped within the memories instilled in me
Seemed to find the keys to the gates of my passion
But you already blame my heart? And I’m already that gone
Shackle my hands why don’t you
And lock my heart, please, make it easier on me to stand
I was already gone inside the imagination of this dream
But you seemed to find the way to make me cry
Deprive me from my heart long lost friend…
And so I lit a candle and waited till it dimmed out
Waited till it made its path to the past…

I never wish this on anyone...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Under a Bridge...

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem
(listen)

Walking...then running, shedding every step on that treadmill that seemed to never work wonders anymore. Before, I used to go at the dawn of day to shed my inner tears and run the past away...but now its different. I dont know what it is, its just memories of yesterday seem to linger and delve in deeper, that running couldnt seem to shed anymore....

...maybe if I increased the speed of the stupid damn thing. Nope, nothing!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh F*$#!

I snatched my water bottle and decided to go outside, into the outdoor track. Maybe, just maybe, the cloudy windy skies could bring light into my inner darkness. So I start running for 2 minutes, then I come across a path, far away. A bridge that me and safiya never crossed, we always turned right at the light when driving to the parking lot. I always asked her "where does that road lead? can we try it one time"...However, we never tried to take it, actually....we never dared.

And here I am, at the top of the hill looking over the bridge. So I decided to let go, let go of all the laws, let go of all the rules once more, and just go, go to where the wind takes me...

Run down the hill towards the bridge, and run....I ran until my heart throbbed and about to find the secret passage out. Then I let my legs do their own thing, without the mind's inquisitions towards its reasons. Just let it flow.

One thing led to the other. After crossing the bridge, I took a over-ridden grass route under the bridge....and there was the river. The purple/blue river surrounded by green grass and sunflowers. I ran along side the river, then went under the rail way track... Where were my fears? where was my worry...all were left at the top of that hill.

Inside of me was searching for something...searching for something I didnt know....at least at that time.

So I run more...suddenly complete silence, all I hear within the secret silence is the wind. The wind brushing through the tall grass and wild flowers....Fear catches up to me, and I'm left in the middle no where. So I start to hear sirens of fear....I Am Completely alone!

That is exactly what I was looking for....being alone. Alone to shout out loud, alone to cry my heart out, alone to scream my inner thoughts, alone so no one hears....

Although that's exactly what I did under the bridge, I still felt fear...In the back of my mind, I was afraid that someone can hear. Whether it be an animal behind the bush, or an ant below my feet, or a hobo sleeping near there...I was afraid!

That moment I realized, The most hidden spot, the most Serene hidden spot is in the nucleus of the heart. That's where Allah resides, that's the very spot where no one can hear. Thats where the doors are sound proof, thats where the secrets are kept, that's where it all begins and ends...

...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, A sense of relief rushed through me. I knew exactly what to do, I need to pray...I need to put my forhead to the ground and pray....mix tears into dua and let go! for no one can answer except He, and no one can relax the heart except He...

I ran back, I ran as fast as I can...Tears of happiness finally found a way out. I found my answer that I was longing for under a bridge....