Gharibat Dunyati...

BismiAllahi AlRahmani AlRaheem

I think I found a treasure. I found a notebook from long time ago that I used to write poetry in. I came across this one I wrote in arabic (notice, the arabic has plenty of mistakes) but sub7anaAllah, where did this come from....

Ka'Sayfu masaktu rou7i
Like a sword, I captured my soul

bayna yadayya mashdouda.
tightly held between my hands

wa gharistuha thaniyan dakhilan fee Ssadari
then I burried it again inside my chest.

Falahithtu El-hawa al-lati min zaman qati3tuha min jasadi.
then I breathed the breath that I once cut off...

Fatakallamat bi7azinin tufulati,
with sadness my childhood spoke

wa katibat bi-Dammi qsati:
with my blood it wrote my story


***


Illa liman fahimany, Lawhaton
A painting, to whom understood me

yarsumuni ka'dhababah bayna nasouj al'3ankabut nouqasi.
draws me like a fly struggling in a spider's web.

wa liman darisani, Qasidaton
A sonnet, to whom studied(examined) me

yaghinnouha bi'Ajmal la7non, tarta7ou a3ssabi.
sung in a beautiful tone that calms my mood...

lakin, liman karihani....Mousiqaton
However, Music I am to whom hates me

yarqisouha na3iman ila aakhir daqiqat qalbi
dances slowly to the last beats of my heart...


***


mashaytou mishwaran 7amila
I have walked a long way holding

kul a3sabi fawqa aktafi
everything on my shoulders

li kulli khatwa akhadhtuha
for every step that was taken

aqal dumu3 bakaytuha
less tears were cried...

li anni Ssabi7tu mu3tada li 7alati
because I became used to my happenings

falam tastati3u nutfat' amal tuqni3uni
Not even a drop of hope can revive me

***

Idha ghataytuha bi'ibtisama, Hazani,
if only I cover my sadness with a smile

Idha ghariqtu fi bi2r Al-sabr A3sabi
and if only I drown my feelings in well of Patience

Aftakirtu kullaha bil'waqt tamur
I thought with time it will pass

ma'ladhy dakhilani Istahlakani
whatever is killing me inside.

famayyal al-mizan bi'kuthratuha
but its abundance tipped my scale

Fakayidly mazbut qarari
Thus, reasoned the decision I have made..
***


Fi Aakhir daqiqat li malaki
At the last minute that I still possessed

najizat bayna 3aynaya mustaqbili
my future revealed itself between my eyes

asmi kal'burhan fi tafkiruhu tughly
my name like a volcano, in his thoughts.. raging

kal'mas bayn sudruhu hafidhuni
like a diamond in between his chest... protected

huwa l'wa7id faza al'7arbu li'qalbi
The only one that won the battle of my heart

lamma astaslam 7obbohu shafa l'madhi
when he bestowed his love, it healed the past

***

ABADAN!!! arfidhu an adhuqu ta3mun hilwan
NEVER!!! I refuse to taste something so sweet

idha 7a'yata7awal sammoun fi fami
if it will alter to venum in my mouth

ya wayli innu khanatni 3ayni
woe to me, My eyes have fooled me

lastu ro2yatun shuftuha illa khayali
It was not the future I saw, only my lost hopes

lakin al-daqiqatun intahat..
However, the minute has ended

fa Gharibat Dunya min 7awlaha 3eini.
And my world settled from my eyes.

Intimidated are we?

BismiAllahi AlRahman AlRaheem

The pleasure of recognizing my flaws gave me an unusual sense of sensibility. I have yet to learn the art of tawbah, but with every return marks a promise made to the One that owns me.

It is quiet an unfortunate that your very own mind is debating whether to let the tears fall or let the happiness sound through. Should not the suitable moments be experienced: to laugh, to cry, to shout before a thorough scan who is around you?

I have built myself a comfort zone where all the temporary joy resides. An ecstasy to the eye; the very fruit that befell me. You think that your good self is riding on a mountain of righteousness, until their voices are heard. How a soul bears not the pain of discovering its innocence conflicted with the very words that accuse me.

A humble being I desire to be and still commit mistakes. I rather listen to those who complain about me and serenade my imperfections. I rather acknowledge that I know-not, rather than create myself a name which I can’t live by.
-
It is a rather an unfortunate that my voice cannot be heard due to their intimidations. A state which only prevails when their attitude becomes awkward: eyes staring straight beyond your shoulder, and talking in sentences that composes not of adjectives or pronouns, merely Verbs and Nouns. I must not say, but it is frightening when the moment my eyes feel ashamed for even looking straight and seeing my reflection which they witness not.

My real name gets lost between their perceptions. Is there any harm when being in a dialogue that forces your intellect to be tested; yet, your thoughts are blasphemous when answering to an opposite gender's remarks.

When a dialogue between three or four opposite to my gender got in a political discussion, I felt hesitant to stand there and listen and maybe give my feedback…. I FELT HESITANT. However, when it was lecture about the “economic crisis”, and few elder men stayed behind with the speaker to talk about tangent topics, I and another “sister” stayed behind and attended. Even some Uncles were astonished, but they gave us our time to speak and listened.

The real question:
Is it really the intimidation that causes us to “be quiet”? is any of the blame due to our level of self confidence? or also due to our muslim society's perception and expection of women's voice vs haya'?

But really, how come I can converse and criticize naturally with certain muslims, and not the rest? So it must of somewhat been affected by this sense of “intimidation”, in my opinion. But my opinion is flawed, due to my nature of extraversion, and partially due to being "neutralized" from the many years residing in the corner of a "man field" (engineering). Thus, i became acquainted and comfortable not only with the opposite gender, but to all ethnicity and backgrounds. (positives and negatives)....flawed and biased, and the quest to the right islamic standpoint begins...

Wa Allahu A3lam.

These are but one day's thoughts, and I pray to Allah to guide me to the right way. For I dont know if my reasonings are sound, for I'm not at a state to even reason my religion. Sincerely I will seek the truth, whatever it may be, and whatever it is, I must abide by it. inshaAllah

…
But I rather dream of my meeting with my lord, then to assemble myself a reality, a PRISON where no answers reside, in this dunya.

A great man’s legacy...

There is not a great way to describe one’s struggles in a foreign land. One hopes only to make friends and not foes, to impact people in a great way rather then be the cause to their befall, and in doing so, maintain the love and interest only for the sake of Allah. A great man’s struggle proves to be a great man’s legacy.

A friend, a brother, a father, and a sheikh was he to many people. One tear remains behind drained in his footsteps; but what really remains are a million words engraved in the million of hearts. Wisdom he spread, and with Allah’s will, strengthened the weak to stand up for the words and the last messenger (SAW) of Allah (SWT).

How Allah (Almighty) designs one’s destiny, Only He Al-mighty knows. “Rabbana ma khalqta hadha batilan, faqina adhaba A-Nar” Our Lord, You did not create all this in vain. Be You glorified. Save us from the retribution of Hell from surah Imran.
Everything is designed for a purpose, and this one man’s purpose is surely a design to contemplate on.

It was destined that one comes to land, for a period of time, and revive from it great children, men and women, leaders and students of knowledge; 5 years, 10 years, or 12 years? Only Allah knows. But what we know is that this time was well spent.

A man’s goal is fulfilled if he affected at least one man during his stay. However, it wasn’t only one person that he affected, but thousands. Only Allah knows about his great doings from New Mexico to Alaska. In spite of this, one needs to contemplate not of one man’s legacy, but the thousands that will follow his footsteps.

1 week before the ISGH elections, the Sheikh gets detained. The community, from where it was hidden, uprooted and came together, hand in hand...finally REALIZING our current status. Unfamiliar faces stood up and are helping by any means they can, and the commoners in tears and in strength. Sub7anaAllah. InshaAllah this is the beginning of the end:
Some are still asking: why Sh.Zubair?

Without all the facts, all we are left to do is to speculate. It is easier and comforting to find who to blame on, but its harder to sometimes let go and realize that Everything happens for a reason, and nothing is done by coincidence, by Allah’s will.

No kind of calamity can occur, except by the leave of Allah: and if any one believes in Allah, (Allah) guides his heart (aright): for Allah knows all things.Quran 64:11

We all have our hand in this, and we all have an opportunity to contemplate and never repeat the same mistakes that were committed before. It is hard to believe that how, ISGH, within all the power that it has, cannot just free Sh.Zubair? We do have to realize is that when dealing with the government, ISGH can be of no help. However, there is one thing that ISGH can help on: SIGN I-360 for Sh.Zubair; Thus, it can help tremendously. However, Why is this process taking so long? Why can’t all the shura members agree to sign the I-360?

“SHEIKH AND HIS ATTORNEY WANT ISGH TO DO ANOTHER PETITION FOR SHEIKH WITH THE SAME DOCUMENTS THAT WERE SENT BEFORE AND OUR QUESTION WAS WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO DIFFERENTLY THIS TIME .” According to ISGH’s DIRECTOR SOUTH ZONE, ISGH filed the I-360 for Sh.Zubair moths ago. A while after its approval, the INS “REVOKED THE APPROVAL OF HIS I360 SAYING THEY WERE DISCREPANCIES IN THE ORIGINAL PETITION.”

A voting process by ISGH needs to be taken to SIGN I-360. The Shura meeting is scheduled for SATURDAY, 10 AM, at the Main Masjid. Please Attend to learn more.
Sheikh is but one case. However, there are many other families that are in the same situation. There are even families who are struggling to bring bread home, and others who came as refugees, but were forsaken. Where was the community? Everything happens for a reason. It is a wake up call for everyone in this community. moreover, it wasn’t a coincidence that this year's TDC is all about COMMUNITY and change. Go, learn, get educated on how to take steps now before its in the VERGE OF BEING TOO LATE. Be Active, Volunteer, do everything you can. Spare some spare time and serve. learn how: there will be a Non-Profit JOB FAIR at TDC, number of groups that need YOUR HELP!

Following the Shura Meeting, The ISGH ELECTIONS will be on SUNDAY. Go and Vote for the trusting leaders of tomorrow. Sh.Zubair thrusted in our minds the element of leadership, the best gift anyone could receive.

The Return...

BismiAllahi Al-Rahman Al-Raheem

Having been swamped by the tide of exams and presentations, I am finally facing a full recovery towards what I like best: attending to my Islamic knowledge. My Quranic memorization stalled again in the middle of the Juz’, couple of unfinished lecture cd’s are waiting to be heard, and the book mark at pg. 17 in the book Mohammed is still waiting to be shifted. Well, here I am, wondering how to utilize my time efficiently.

I signed up for three courses: Aqeeda, Usul Hadith, and Usul Tafseer . I’m utterly excited and inshaAllah, coupled with various tangent lectures by various shuyukhs + TDC, this should fulfill my one month vacation inshaAllah. Oh, and finish the book and at least one Juz’ of the Quran.

There are various issues that I want to research merely to expand my knowledge and completely understand/take a stand on inshaAllah. I desired to write about these issues throughout the semester, unfortunetly, time wrapped its seconds into my minutes; Thus, My days quickened into nights, and the nights that used to be well kept in contemplations, are now being Snoozed till Fajr. Oh, where did I let my nights go….

[These 6 are going to be the subject of my upcoming posts inshaAllah: “Women’s Common Sense”, “My voice is Awrah?”, “Me, My mother, and Allah”, “Economic Crisis from an Islamic Stance”, “Islamic Gender Ex-Communication”, and finally “But sweetie, He is a Doctor!”…The last one will be very interesting, since it’s the last and on-going hot topic in my household. ]

… Oh, where did I let my nights go? I have fallen off my best of habits, being a night Owel! The best time of having an open mind is between 12 and 5…AM! Since summer, and partially due to the entrance of the school year upon fasting, I have slept my nights off as if compensating all the past nights that were lost.

My ‘will’ drove backwards, I lost the taste in Coffee, and found myself tangled in a mad confusion. My priorities were shuffled, my heart no longer quivered at the words of the Quran, neither contemplated on Dhikr. My Soul, where art thou?

I had a couple of brothers and sisters sit and have a talk with me. “Affaf, out of everyone, your enthusiasm, your will, your determination….what happened?” I remember that very talk, the witness of a broken mind in a deep pool of tears. I tended to ignore them “what are they talking about”ers!

Until I realized half way through drowning that something bad is pulling me within the dark evil abyss. Took well over 2 weeks to figure out the root of this, alhmadoulillah! Sub7anaAllah, I had to go through re-prioritization. In the end of it all, I found myself between me, my mother, and Allah.

Such is life, full of mountains and hills, and at times, you are caught in a blinding cave and are lost there for days. However, with an inner will and through the remembrance of Allah, He will show you the light to follow. However, you must hold on to this rope with your dear life, for if you let go, one will fall deeper than before.

With the rest of life’s struggles, I must tie every intention to Allah, every cause to its intended effect, and every effect to Allah’s intended will.

The Forbidden Rose

~~~

A stream formed underneath my feet,
Where I left my empty smile soaking in its depths
Where I rinsed my letters from its words,
And where the memory remains are planted in its shores.
~~~
Where a rose blossomed and formed its thorns
Where it spread its stems and made its bounds
Where its aroma is forbidden for those
That wish to remove its petals to form their paths.